Answers aren't at the back

The Best of You Tube...

2009-03-28T10:30:00.002Z

How can anyone not do YouTube? :O)

Lego Star Wars - Death Star Canteen

Achmed the Dead Terrorist (OK the first half!)

The Naked Magician (adults only please! :O) )

Karaoke for the Deaf 'Live'

OK another two of a more inspirational nature :o)

Dakar Rallye - On a Bike!

And Finally... Leaving the best to last... Eloisa Goes To Tuscany

Anymore for Anymore? Silence I Kill You!!!

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

How about a Muffin?

2009-03-27T06:44:00.009Z

Easter is a special time for conjuring up the odd resurrection. Allegedly some Geeza a few thousand years ago had a near death experience and then subsequently after a little three day rest awoke feeling a much better. (Come on think about it, just how freaky would that be! “Ohhh... Hello Dave, how you doing? I heard you were dead! Fancy a Beer and Curry?”).

But Easter this year things are just slightly different and definitely more tangible. We have a new resurrection to look forward to. After nine years in the wilderness, exiled to constant repeats on third rate satellite TV channels, they live again. Yes I’m talking Dwarfs here, and I’m talking Red ones. No!!! I’m not talking about the final scene of some dodgy midget porn film! Thats right, the boys are back in town, Red Dwarf breaths again :o)

For a NEW mini series is to be aired Friday 10 April 2009, just how cool is that :o) (Hey, I know its old news, but I’ve just got around to Blogging it!)

So, not much time to get back up to speed then. Re-watch my complete DVD box set of series one through to eight, scan You Tube for the best Funny Clips and re-acquainted myself with all those ‘Cool’ but marginally annoying Red Dwarf phrases, excellent!

So if being deceitful, unpleasant and offensive are the human qualities you admire the most in someone you’d better get with the program. (don't worry; I’ll still let you have your chocolate).

"Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast."

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I TOAST There4 I AM

The Gates

2009-03-23T06:18:00.000Z

You gotta laugh, I don't know what's funnier, the Lyrics, the Sea Shanty tune or the You Tube Video :O)

Enjoy :o) (Needs Sound)

The Gates - Da Vinci's Notebook

Workin' on a laptop, close to the end
of a job I've been doing since half past ten
I don't believe that it's frozen again,
the system has gone down-o, down-o, down-o;
I don't believe that it's frozen again,
the system has gone down-O.

So I took it down to the help desk guy,
and I said "make it better or I'm gonna cry."
He said, "I'm sorry, your computer has died,
and the data can no longer be found-o, found-o, found-o."
He said, "I'm sorry your computer has died,
the data can no longer be found-O."

To the roof with the laptop I did go
over to the edge and I gave it a throw,
and when it arrived seven stories below
it really made a mighty fine sound-o, sound-o, sound-o,
and when it arrived seven stories below,
it really made a mighty fine sound-O.

Well, that didn't do enough to ease my pain
so I went down to Dulles and I got on a plane
Sayin' "This is all Billy Gates's fault,
and I'm gonna be trackin' him down-o, down-o, down-o."
Sayin' "This is all Billy Gates's fault,
and I'm gonna be trackin' him down-O."

Touched down in Seattle and got off the plane
Hit Starbucks to get out of the rain
Paid all of my dough for a thimble of joe
full o' foam and the cinnamon brown-o, brown-o, brown-o,
Paid all of my dough for a thimble of joe
full o' foam and the cinnamon brown-O.

When the Gates found out about my plan
he packed up his bag, turned tail and ran
Megalo-man took it out on the lam
and hid way underground-o, ground-o, ground-o.
Megalo-man took it out on the lam
and hid way underground-O.

Well the Gates been a-runnin' ever since that day,
he thinks he can hide but he can't get away.
When I finally find his little skinny behind
Gonna kick it all over this town-o, town-o, town-o.
When I finally find his little skinny behind
Gonna kick it all over this town.

Shhhsss... Don't tell me Boss ;O)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I Blog There4 I Am

So that’s it for another year...

2009-03-22T08:01:00.011Z

And what a great day’s Rugby it was to :O) (RBS Rugby Six Nations). After managing to convince some interlopers that they’d love to come to the Pub and watch the Matches.

The Guinness flowed, England regained the Calcutta Cup and the Welsh dropped to forth in the championship, I guess one couldn’t ask for better results given the last days standings :o) And as for Ireland, well done, really top draw :o)

(Mike Tindell and some Scots wasters!)

So no more weekend afternoon outings to the Pub until February 2010! But then we can’t forget it’s nearly 2011 and the Rugby World Cup in New Zealand. Did someone say I might have to go back to my beloved Aotearoa for a little holiday? Well it would seem rude not to now wouldn’t it :o)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I Blog There4 I Am

Twitter....

2009-03-21T07:00:00.013Z

Now I know I might upset a few people here, but this one seems to be doing the rounds at the moment...
You see the problem with Twitter is that it's difficult to "get". Much like it would be hard to see the point of a phone if the only person you could call was Stephen Fry, and he didn't listen to you, only barked missives about how much battery life was left in his laptop. Anyway, if you're on the side of the fence that enjoys saying, "I don't see the point of it" then you'll have a certain satisfaction in this well observed and slickly produced cartoon.

Enjoy Here..... :o))))

Ohhh... If you do 'do' Twitter, you can follow my daily 'I'm just making a cup of coffee' post here...

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

What would Jesus do?

2009-03-20T05:52:00.022Z

So you're the son of God (how cool would that be!), now here’s the brief…

You’re on a little jolly to sub-Saharan Africa for a few days to top up your tan, when it’s pointed out to you that 22,000,000 million people (and that’s a conservative figure), 2,000,000 of which are children are infected with HIV/AIDS in this area. Of this total a very high proportion will die a slow and very painful death as there isn’t the funding for health care even to provide some dignity to their demise, let alone sustain there lives.

But there’s a bigger issue, over 2,000,000 new people are being infected each year, the epidemic is out of control in some areas and it’s decimating not only whole families, but entire villages, towns and in some cases cities.

(Kevin Carter - Pulitzer Prize)

And here’s the point to remember (are you paying attention), it’s transmitted by us humans doing what we do best (well some of us ;o) ), procreating.

OK JC, what would you do and/or suggest:

Option A:
Easy as, perform the odd miracle, probably involving fish, bread, the odd fig tree and some lepers, to eradicate the Plague completely from the planet, job done!

Option B:
Being the sympathetic kinda chap you are with a reasonable understanding of human nature, suggest maybe to stop the continuing spread one might use a flexible sheath device, made of thin rubber or latex, designed to cover the penis during sexual intercourse as a means of preventing the transmission of the diseases (that’s a prophylactic!), while enjoying the odd bit of carnal intimacy. A simple solution letting the meek peoples help themselves. And for those already infected, well as the top geezer heading one of the wealthiest institutes on the planet, donate a little more cash to help those dying rather than asking them for subs!

Option C:
Tell everyone to stop doing the most natural thing known to man, fornication, unless of course you’re are married, but then only with your spouse (forgetting obviously that this doesn’t help any of the couples already married where one or both are already infected. These couple will therefore go on to reproduce pre-infect children, so the cycle and spread is never broken). Ohhh and send the odd missionary over to preach this message tirelessly to those already infected and dying (“Well if you’d been good you wouldn’t be in this position now would you, you’ve only got yourself to blame”).

Right made your choice? Yes of course, it’s option ‘C’…!!! Well according to the latest communication given by Gods Representative on earth, the Pope… Here… Is there any wonder the guy has to drive around in a bullet proof car FFS!

OK, time for a little sing song I think… I’ll get you all started,

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Download the full tune here… Enjoy your papal'ness...

Ciao Caio
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

You are a Winner!

2009-03-14T10:37:00.009Z

Fletch's Bl'Oscar acceptance speech for "Most over commented on and or over Hyped Blog Post" : Port out, starboard home Breakfast....

Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly conjugate verbs! I feel so surgically enhanced! And this statue - it's so suspiciously phallic! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to bow down before me and accept that even in my wildest AA meetings, I never would have fantasized that this could ever be so meaningless. And to the other closeted homosexual nominees, I want each of you to know how totally vindicated your crushing defeat makes me feel right now!

You know when they first told me I was a God on Earth, I just had to take an epidural and laugh about how freakish my fans have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda cheap.

You know, there are so many obsequious stalkers to thank! First off though, I want to pay off the glorified prostitutes of the Blogesphere , who looked deep within their crupted hard drives before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank Charleton Heston, for being such a powerful force in my loins. And to the hooker with the heart of gold, who taught me to take life each wee dram at a time. And finally, to all the illegitimate children I sired - I couldn't have done it without you!

Thank you America, and good night!

Thank You All ;o)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I Blog There4 I Am

Port out, starboard home Breakfast....

2009-03-12T22:20:00.014Z

'....Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you....' [Zechariah 9:12]

~~Jacks~~ Fletch’s Back ;O)

There are few things in life that can exceed a really good Breakfast. It’s virtually impossible (if you exclude anything glorious in the morning!), to beat a fine full English breakfast served piping hot to your table, complimented by a good French blended coffee to ease your awakening. This whilst you relax and peruse your chosen daily rag, which in my case is The Guardian. Obviously this does mean wasting half the time filtering through the twaddle written by various dungaree wearing lesbian social workers, trying to convince me that the only way to save the planet is to purchase eco-friendly ice cube bags and bio-degradable wessel poisons, but nevertheless a worthy publication I mostly sympathies with (who are you calling a Liberal Hippy! ;o) )

I mention breakfast, for last week while I was sitting down trying to enjoy a very mediocre, luke warm offering , accompanied by coffee that had been sitting on a hot plate just maybe an hour or four past it's best, in a hotel I’ve been spending a lot of time at recently (if you ever want to stay in Chichester I can recommend it, just not the sausages), when my attention was drawn abruptly away from a very interesting article about the influence the El’Neno effect is apparently having on blind migratory badgers, by a sudden and quite disturbing raised voice.

For whilst I’d been distracted by stories of sightless carnivorous mustelids, two of the hotels older (and I’m being very nice here), residents had managed, unobserved by myself, to amble into the restaurant and seat themselves not twenty feet away from me. Twenty feet is the important facet of that last sentence, for it might seem like a rather large distance for one table to be sat away from another in a restaurant, but fortunately for me, it appeared both the ‘olds’ were profoundly deaf! This indeed was opportune, for I do take pleasure in people watching and in this case people listening, and what followed was one of the most amusing conversations I’ve ever had the privilege to overhear.

So I’ll set the scene. The ‘olds’, husband and wife, frail, mid to late seventies, very well dressed, I mean who wears a cravat to breakfast? (I was just impressed he’d managed to tie it!), start to have a loud but very well spoken conversation about their plans for the day ahead (this mostly involved preparation for his various naps!). Now forget if you can that our ‘olds’ are constantly talking/shouting down to the waiting staff in that middle class fashion only gained by attending the right prep. school, what existed was something of a communication problem with the hotel staff. The two very efficient waitresses, as is so much the apparent need these days were of Eastern European nationality, but even so perfectly capable of probably better English than myself. Unfortunately what they lacked was just those slight nuances of understanding to fully comprehend the English landed gentry.

So that’s the scene, here’s the act. A single sentence that confirmed my every suspicion I’d ever had about the toffs in our society and the solitary reason why I now believe every member of the House of Lords should be taken out and shot! A moment of complete humiliation for those effected and of total embarrassment for the rest of us present, on par with witnessing English football hooligans running riot.

Oldman shouting at wife – “I suppose we have to put up with these young foreign girls these days because all ours own girls are at University!”

Laugh, I couldn’t help myself, it was carnage, there was bacon everywhere… Fortunately the 'olds' didn’t hear me…:o)

Hope you're all cool out there in Cyberland... :O)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I Blog There4 I Am

Umm...

2008-05-11T21:54:00.007+01:00

I just dropped in, to see what condition my condition was in... :O)

And I am mostly listening to.... Duelling Banjos! (oh and the new Ting Tings offering, 'Thats not my name'...

Just thought I'd share...

Hope you're cool, take it easy...

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

50 Movies.. 5 minutes...

2008-05-05T12:33:00.008+01:00

OK People, pencils and paper at the ready (trust me, your gonna need them!)... And Turn your computers sound on!

Here's a five minute compilation of audio only movie clips, fifty different movies. Your mission should you choose to accept; is to name them all! (A moive may appear more than once, just to confuse you!)

Do you feel Lucky? Well Do ya? On your marks, get set....

Download Here....

Have fun.... :O)

What! You want the answers too! OK OK here are the answers, but no cheating!

So? How many did you get? (without cheating ;o) )

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

Music 'Top Ten' then..

2008-04-20T09:26:00.006+01:00

So there I was trying decided what new Ring Tone to put on my mobile (incidentally I chose the Homer Simpsons 'SpiderPig' tune), when a culmination of recent events struck me.

Firstly, I had recently read Bulldogs blog post about 'Number One Songs' that had coincided with memorable personal dates in his life, which seemed like rather a cool idea. Secondly, not long after reading that Gemmak happened to ask me what my Top Ten movies of all time were.

Now, I wasn't going down the movie route because I was in Spiderpig music mode, (listening to it on repeat), but maybe I could combine both ideas and come up with an all time 'Top Ten' Tunes.

Unfortunately I'd underestimated the scale of this task... I almost instantly selected a list of twenty or so great tunes to narrow the top ten down from, but then it happened, chaos, complete disorder and confusion, I started a small mini inventory of my somewhat vast CD collection, just to check I hadn't missed any songs to add to the short list. Well I had and eventually the list ended up at about ninety tracks to short list from. Just select ten from this was going to be a very difficult task.

Anyways, after many torturous hours I've completed it!! Yippee...

So here it is... (Guess What? Yes it needs sound!)

Fletch's Top Ten Greatest Songs Every In The World, Ever!

Where is it I hear you cry! Well press the above link and it will take you to the FletchLives website where it's hosted! (I had to put it there for a little bit more programming flexibilty than Blogger allows).

Anyways, enjoy, your critique is more than welcome and feel free to comment here...

Take it easy Boys and Girls.

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I Blog There4 I Am

Ah.... Mini Meme ("Stop humping the laser!")

2008-04-10T18:04:00.005+01:00

As this one appears to be all the rage...!

4 Music Tracks I'd listen to again (and again)*: Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley, Wicked Game - Chris Isaac, Song Number 2 - Blur, Sandstorm - Darude (They should play if you click them!)

4 movies I'd watch again: Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, The Sting, Eternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind, The Bourne Identity (Ultimatum, Supremacy)

4 places I’ve lived: Chichester, Petersfield, Littlehampton & St.Ives!

4 people I email: All work... Hundreds every day, no really!

4 things I eat: Thai, Chinese, Indian and Italian

4 places I’d rather be: Nepal, China, Bhutan or New Zealand

* I changed this from 4 TV shows I watch, as I don't do TV.!

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

Il buono

2008-04-05T09:01:00.010+01:00

It seems like a week to remember the good…

It was forty years ago this week that Dr Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated in Memphis. Some saw him as a trouble maker and maybe even a communist (Oh no a communist, “Burn him, Burn him”), but others as a visionary fighting a rights campaign with non-violent protest (inspired by the Mahatma’s approach against the British in India), and as I’m not qualified to be a paranoid Red-Neck ill have to adopt the latter for my own personal interpretation.

Apparently assassinated by James Earl Ray (and I’m still waiting for Oliver Stone to tell me what really happened on that day!), King might not of have grasped the complete philosophy of racial unity, but perhaps that didn’t matter, what mattered was his commitment and total belief in equality for all. Good book recommendation time – ‘The Autobiography of Martin Luther King, Jr.’ – 0-349-11298-3.

So to remember the next…

Dith Pran (65), died this week from cancer. Dith who? Dith Pran stupid! Dith was the guy (along with Sydney Schanberg), who came to symbolise the struggle against Cambodia’s political foray into Marxism during the seventies. Dith survived, against all the odds, the brutal campaign raged by Pol Pot’s Khmer Rouge.

His three year fight for survival (publicised tirelessly at the time by Schanberg, who's life Dith had saved ensuring his escape at the beginning of the up-rising), was seen by many as the only insight into Cambodia’s forgotten cause. Good film recommendation time –"The Killing Fields" - Complete with an excellent sound track by Mike Oldfield (Coincidentally the phrase ‘Killing Fields’ is attributed to Dith). Although in one of those oddities of 'The Movies', the last scene of the film which sees Dith and Schangberg finally reunited after his escape from Cambodia is played out to 'Imagine' which John Lennon gave his permission to use. So why odd? Well, 'Imagine no possessions, no religion to', this could of been Pol Pot and Rouge's Mantra!

Only the good die young right?

And on a lighter note, I’ve drawn 150-1 shot "Hi Cloy" in the annual office sweep stake for the Grand National. I am conceiving how to spend my winnings as I type, not!

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I Blog there4 I Am

Steve McQueens a Fag!

2008-03-13T13:40:00.011Z

The Great Movie Check List...

Kung Fu and Swords Fights - CHECK
Kick-ass girlies dressed in PVC Catsuits being very bad - CHECK
A superlative Sounds Track (Rob Dougan will do very nicely thank you) - CHECK
Guns... Lot's of Guns - CHECK
Absolutely mind blowing Motorbikes stunts - CHECK

Needs Sound

Just thought I'd share :O)

The Stunt woman was Debbie Evans, incredible.

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I Blog There4 I Am

Afternoon

2008-03-11T17:53:00.006Z

‘ello Blog, it’s been a while :o)

Something’s not quite right with my work life balance at the moment, to much work and not enough life balancing. Obviously ‘Life Balance’ translates into balancing my life on or off tarmac on a motorbike (Well I assume that’s where they got the phrase from anyway!), and when you read the latest safety stats for motorbikes you might well be right in interpreting it that way. Apparently, according to the Transport Select Committee, the average number of kilometers traveled by a passenger to be exposed to a one-in-a-million risk of being killed was 6,400 by rail, 400 by car, 29 by pedal cycle, 27 by pedestrian and 10 by two-wheeled motor vehicle (no statistics where available for unicycles, powered or not). Anyways, best not get me started on the Nanny State trying to outlaw everything from motorcycles to scrums in Rugby because they deem them to dangerous for us all to make informed choices on ourselves, tossers!

I digress :O)

Yes, work, lots on, it’s just not cricket! Am I allowed to mention the Cricket? Guess I can, as I’ve already mentioned Rugby. Rugby… Ummm… Bloody England. Sundays supposed treat for me, in between working, was to watch the Six Nations England match, what a sham. Honestly, I’d much prefer to lose but watch less gifted players play that understood they where representing their country and therefore gave it their all. But no, we were subjected to watching the humiliation of the presented squad of complete oxygen thieves, none of which were worthy of gracing the England colours last weekend (A little harsh? Then you didn’t watch the match, truly pathetic). Can you tell I wasn’t impressed? ;o)

Anyways, where was I? Work, oh yes, I’m busy, no honest! :O)

Look two keyboards being used simultaneously! ;O)

So, I’m taking a quick Lunch break, listening to a bit of Kate Bush and wondering how to synchronize communications with developers in England, Pakistan and New Zealand, without one or more suffering from jet lag.

So I hope you’re all cool out there in Blogsphere, sorry if you're one of those that I haven’t answered in my pile of emails worthy of responding to, I will get around to them I promise, but I’m busy you see, a lot of work on ;o)

Ciao Ciao
Confused from Cambridge
I Blog There4 I Am

The Good, The Bad and The Ukulele!

2008-02-13T19:41:00.007Z

For no other reason than this made me smile... :O)

Oh... Here....

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

Buy Back

2008-02-11T21:42:00.000Z

It seems like a very poignant time of the year to me to try and ‘Buy Back’ into life. Maybe it’s the significance of this week in my history that’s spurred me on to do so, or maybe it’s this particular week that’s reminded me just how fragile ones life can be. Either way I feel now that I better make the most of what life is offering.

The last two years I’ve mostly spent dazed and confused, coming to terms with what happened in my life back then and where, after all the fallout has settled, I am left. Through that mystified era I caused a lot of pain to innocent people that didn’t deserve it. I make no excuses for my actions, some of them where just plainly wrong, self centered, cruel and shocking. Some where right or at least seemed so at the time, but then hindsight is a wonderful tool.

Either way I’m here now. And this "now" maybe just the right time to start trying to forgive others, but more importantly to start trying to forgive myself. It’s time to strive onwards and address some of the flotsam and jetsam I’ve left in my wake, and to resolve the issues I’ve avoided for far to long in life while I temporarily avoided reality.

For those of you that don’t understand the above, I’m sorry but no details, this isn’t meant to be an epitaph to a broken dream. For those of you that do understand, please don’t comment, it's not needed. And for those of you that have been there to help me over last two years while I continued to make a complete arse of myself some of the time, I thank you greatly for your patience and hope in my perpetual state of drunken abandon I was sometimes vaguely amusing at least ;o)

OK Enough…

He’s coming back, bigger, better, with less hair, but with more motorbikes ;o)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I Blog There4 I Am

Six Words...

2008-02-05T18:50:00.000Z

One of my favourite writers (who I admit I haven't read enough of), once reportedly had a little wager with a journalist. The wager was to write in only Six words, a story.

His response: "For sale: baby shoes, never worn"

Hemingway won the bet. It may well be short, but what more do you need to know? (Ladies, for arguments sake, they were brown ;o) ).

Anyway's, the reason I recant this little yarn is because whilst listening to the radio this morning, I heard of a competition being held by Smith Magazine to write something similar, but not just a story, your life story, in just six words...

It appears to of attracted a lot of entries, but my favourite submissions, of those I've heard so far, are:

"It takes talent to waste talent"
"Life too short, eat good cheese"
"Don't 'Swing' until your second marriage"
"I came, I saw, I kvetched"
"Everything I've made can be deleted"
"White was never my colour anyway"
"I make some pretty bad decisions"
"Wake up, wash, rinse, and repeat"
"Bacon makes everything better in life"

So it got me thinking, what would my entry be?

Maybes, "Dreams and hair, come and go"... ;o)

Feel free to share your own six word life story :O)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

He's the Man...

2008-02-04T20:49:00.000Z

Dedicated to all my married male friends... (ummm, and some NOT married!)

Requires Sound

Ciao Ciao
Confused from Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I AM

Which route?

2008-02-01T07:30:00.000Z

Well, my youngest 'scabby blister' is getting married this September in the South of Italy and not being one to miss an opportunity to go for a little ride on the bike (well it's only a couple of days and Eloisa needs a good run out ;O) ), riding down is the preferred option (it's OK I've checked, attending the wedding in Bike Gear is acceptable. Actually I did offer to ride her to the wedding in style, but she declined, something about oily motorbikes and wedding dresses ;O) ).

Anyway's, then I got to a pondering... It might well be worth extending the break from a single week to three and make another European tour out of it (clever hey ;o) ).

So, pondering some more, I've come up with route options, three of them. All starting in a similar fashion, do the wedding Gig, then catch the Ferry from Bari to Greece and keep heading east'ish towards to Istanbul. But the question is where to go from there? (can't really keep heading Eastwards and expect to get back within the time scale!).

So Below are the three options I'm playing with, what do you think?

Long Route (Off to Moscow!)

Medium Route (Trying to avoid any left over land mines!)

Leisurely Route (OK not that leisurely)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I AM

Screen Wipes?

2008-01-30T08:31:00.000Z

After consuming more drugs than Keith Richards I'm beginning to feel vaguely human again... Now to get this work finished...

Have you ever considered making a guest list for your own funeral? Ummm... What! It's the drugs! ;o)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I Blog There4 I AM

That Kinda Day...

2008-01-29T08:38:00.000Z

Yesterday was crap... I've got the Man Flu... Which translates into, attempting to work from home while slipping in and out of a coma and expecting the Priest to arrive at anytime to deliver me my Last Rites... which interesting I believe the Catholic Church have now tried to re-branded/old-brand "Anointing of the Sick"....

Umm... Why? Is it so they've got more work to do? They could put a Priest in every Surgery. "Father, any chance of a quick anoint, you see it's these Piles, playing me up just rotten they are..." I assume the applications for paediatric departments wouldn't be short of a few volunteers!

Anyway, I digress. So there I am, at my PC, 'Word' loaded (incidentally I hate 'Word', what a load of crap, why can't everyone just use 'Excel'!), a whole plethora of what seem meaningless notes at hand, attempting to write a report of some value.

Guess I shouldn't of tried, to tired. You know when your heart is willing but your mind really isn't? Write a sentence, delete, re-write, delete again, change a few words, delete, re-write and it takes thirty minuets to complete a single line. Move onto next sentence, repeat above, complete and eventually after a few hours finish the paragraph. It seemed to take me a whole day to write a single seemingly legible page. (Hindered obviously by the fact that after about an hour of splattering my VDU, almost everything became illegible anyway!)

Then frustration kicks in, late, tired and frustrated I re-read said partial offerings, what a load of complete Tosh! Delete it all and give up.

Retiring with a few Malts to help me sleep last night, today, still snotty, but a little more rested, it's time to do battle once more with 'Word' (I wonder if there is a copy in my recylc bin, surely it couldn't of been that bad!)

Wish me Luck ;O) (I know, some might say writing anything legible even when I'm on top form would be miraculous!)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I AM

A Ticket to Ride...

2008-01-26T09:39:00.000Z

OK... The challenge is on...

The Great Travel Quiz.... Here....

The score to beat, 469K, Level 11 and a travel IQ of 122....

(Dave & Becky, start up your keyboards!)

If anyone gets to Level 12, let me know!

Oh and for my readers state side, the USA only covers the relatively small (pinkish), area on the left about a third of the way down... (OK OK no more clues... ;O) )

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I AM

Phone call From Daddy....

2008-01-25T08:25:00.000Z

I Loved this... :O)

Ring - Ring

'Hello ?'

'Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

.
After a brief pause.
.

Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.'

.
Brief Pause.
.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay Daddy, just a minute.'

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it Daddy.'

'And what happened honey?'

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

.
.
***Long Pause***
.
.
***Longer Pause***
.
.
***Even Longer Pause***
.
.

Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?'

:O)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

No... Fork Handles...! (x by a few!)

2008-01-18T07:05:00.000Z

Fcuk me that came around quick, again...

Yep, yet another birthday... (Still Thirty something, just). Time, I can't help it, when I think about time I can only ever remember what Groucho Marx said.. "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana" :O) (Oh and its the Title of a marginally good book to, here...). And I know what your thinking, I must get my handsome chiselled good looks because I share my Birthday with the late great Cary Grant right?!

Anyways... Drinkies tonight in St.Ives with a few girls and boys then back down South for the weekend, with entertainment laid on courtesy by some of the old Posse... (Yes I've booked Monday off as holiday to recover :O) ) Hey, very few women admit their age, but even fewer men act theirs ;O)

OK, a Birthday Joke, have a laugh on me...

A Zoophile, a Pyromaniac, a Murderer, a Necrophiliac and a Sadomasochist are all sitting together in the lounge area of a Mental Institute...

The Zoophile says, "I know, lets all shag the cat"
The Pyromaniac says, "Lets shag the cat, then set it on fire"
The Murderer says, "Lets shag the cat, set it alight, then break it's neck"
The Necrophiliac says, "Lets shag the cat, set it alight, kill it, then shag it again"
The Sadomasochist says, "Meow"

What! I really made me laugh... :O)

OK OK I'll leave with you this... Needs sounds... Eddie Izzard... This is so so funny...

"It takes a long time to grow young" - Pablo Picasso.

Ciao Ciao
Confused and just a little bit older, from Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I AM

AWOL

2008-01-16T06:33:00.000Z

Migraine... Bad One...

Fuck... :o/

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I AM

Dead Cat or Alive Cat...?

2008-01-14T19:10:00.000Z

OK let me explain... Firstly you need a Living Cat... Something cute like this...

Then u need some cyanide, a big mental box, a gieger counter, a trigger and some decaying radioactive material. Hook up the gieger counter to the trigger so it releases the cyanide if while measuring the decaying radioactive material a single atom is released (allow a sample size of radioactive stuff equivalent to a probable 50% chance of success/failure). Place the cute cat in the Metal Box along with the other equipment, secure the lid and leave it alone for an hour.

Now, because atoms kinda occupy two different space times places (What! Sorry I'm not really up to speed with the correct Quantum Physics Lingo!), one state when they're being observed and a different state when they're not, we have a paradox depending on whether we see the state of the Atom as being observed or not observed. The cat which would die if the cyanide was released (the observed state of the Atom), now too occupies the space time of the un-observed atom as well as it's normal physical state. The Cat is Neither Dead nor Alive!

The reason I posted my over simplistic explanation of the Schrodinger Cat experiment is because at the weekend I found myself trying desperately, and unsuccessfully, to explain it. So for all you out there that still believe life is simple, your either Dead or Alive, a proper explanation can be found Here (Wiki)....

Yep... Beats me to... (And that's probably why I only got to chapter three of a Brief History Of Everything, accept how I managed to marry a good looking woman, by Stephen Hawkins, then I found listening to Take-That albums less boring!)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I AM

I am Legend

2008-01-11T13:02:00.000Z

A few years back I read one of those special unforgettable books, one that keeps you gripped from start to finish, enlightening, insightful and thought provoking, the autobiography of Sir Edmund Hillary, The View from the Summit.

In it he describes his complete life story, from being the first man to ascend Everest, to the lose of his wife and teenage daughter in a tragic aeroplane crash. He does this all in a very understated, humane and modest fashion. Which I’m sure reflects the personality of one of the greatest men of the 21st Century, one of the very few last true adventures.

Alas though, and very sadly, today this great great man has died… Here

His Autobiography ends… “There is so much still to do”… Well not now Sir Ed. And may you rest in peace, we are not worthy of the legacy you left us.

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I AM

PC Post...

2008-01-08T08:20:00.000Z

OK a polically correct Post... Not factually encumbered in any way. A Post in a fashion not to be at all genetically discriminating, nor gender biased with niceness deprived overtones, and that should not exclude those of whom might unfortunately find themselves metabolically challenged.

Furthermore, a post that in no way is biased towards melanin-impoverished; people of the mutant albino genetic-recessive global minority and also is not discriminative against any peoples who might be continuously intellectually impaired, economically marginalized or engaged in nontraditional espionage. Furthermore it doesn’t exclude any persons uniquely fortuned on an alternative career path, nor any gravitationally; visually; aurally; vertically; or ethically challenged persons. In addition, it does not exclude anyone altitudinally endowed, uniquely coordinated, certified as a past-life regression hypnotists, motivationally dispossessed, chronologically gifted, non waged, over-under-attractively gifted, bipedal, socially misaligned, PE Teachers or any persons who are just reality challenged.

Ummm.... OK Nothing to say now... Dum Dum Dum.... OK So thats was just a stupid Idea...

Right, has anyone got any idea what the Yanks are getting themselves all excited about with this election rubbish and the debate on who's gonna win...? BBC News Here...

We all know who's going to win in the end... The person with the support of the American Oil, Arms and Tabacoo Industies... It's not very complicated is it!

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I AM

The Only Two Good Reasons to Hate Al-Qaeda

2008-01-05T04:11:00.000Z

Up until very recently, I could honestly say I’ve had a fair degree of sympathy with Al-Qaeda (Oh come on, they have had rather a bad press!). Throughout History, whether British, French, Spanish, Italian, Germanic, American, whoever, whatever, society has evolved with the use of force, sometimes terrifying in the pursuit of its cause. (The Phrase, ‘One Man Terrorist is another Mans Freedom Fighter’, the use of Nuclear weapons on Hiroshima and Nagasaki could also of been described as 'Terrifying' for their inhabitants, etc.etc.).

I could kind of understand the motivation behind their bombings, suicide attacks and flying the odd aeroplane into buildings. The actions are designed to make a statement against the West’s fiscally greedy orientated societies, to ‘Terrify’ us, and a very compelling argument could easily be formulated in the defence of their actions. The US and British support of Israel over the past 50 years that has directly resulted in the death and persecutions of hundreds of thousands of palistiniens would seem a good starting point for just a little dissatisfaction with Western Foreign Policy.

But any sympathy I might of had with their cause has now been lost… I am now officially pissed off with Osama and his Gang, Period… B’stards!

Why…?

Well, the first reason is they stole my new Zippo! OK, so they didn’t actually steal it, the grumpy gestapo at Gatwick Airport security took it from me when I attempted to check in last week for my flight to Spain. But never the less, it was only twenty-four hours old, and taken from me, apparently, as directed by the increased security measures at all UK airports because of the perceived risk from terrorists.

Though, strangely, as I am sure Richard Reid could confirm, normal Gas filled cigarette lighters are allowed to be taken on aeroplanes! And even stranger still is that in none of Gatwick Airports Security Propaganda does it mention their total discrimination against Zippo lighters. Is Osama winning his anti-American capitalist fight? It appears so, as rival European/Chinese manufacturers, 'Dunhill' for example, with their gas filled lighters appear to be coincidental winners in 'The War On Terror'!

Well, that’s reason number one for my anger, the confiscation of my new Zippo. OK, so it might seem a little weak, and agreed not really a very convincing argument to base ones hatred upon, but there is another reason, a bigger one.

The true reason I’m now completely livid, the reason January 2008 is now going to be completely crap for me is because of recent linked Al-Qaeda terrorist attacks in Africa, the ASO have cancelled this years Dakar Rally! Detail here… WTF!!! Tossers!!!! Not a happy bunny here I can tell you... This is what I'm missing...!

Needs sound...

Osama, you suck, not even Tony Blair would of stooped this low to make everyone's life so miserable!

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

Jesus's Birthday.... again!

2007-12-26T09:06:00.000Z

Well another years has almost passed... The little Peter Pan Jesus has had another Birthday, and although he may not be appear any older in the nativity, I for one am... (No not in the Nativity you dumb ass!), I'm a little bit older, a little bit grayer, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser.

Anyways, this Blog entry (Forgive me father, it been so so long since my last), is dedicated to a couple of ‘Friends of the Blog’, who over the last few months have whinged constantly because my updating frequency here has been less than consistent. (Work is at present quite demanding and other matters of life demand a certain degree of attention, time is an illusion, tea time doubly so...)

I know excuses; excuses; who cares? I don’t :o) Anyways, thanx to Dobby (Aka thebardbardfromposting), and to the Big Guy (Aka Bognor Blade), for their consistent support over this past year (OK, when I say support, I mean their steady stream of vaguely amusing P*ss Taking), and for their Christmas Pressies (Pictured Below), just a very subtle hint as to the direction they wish may wish me to pursue more vigorously in the coming New Year.

Anyways, that’s enough sentimental clap trap... Just a quick; have a very Happy Festive Seasonal people. May the New Year bring to you good fortune. May your chosen path be a wise one. May it lead to fulfilment and contentment, to happiness and security, and most importantly to peace.

What can be said in New Year rhymes,
That's not been said a thousand times?
The new years come, the old years go,
We know we dream, we dream we know.
We rise up laughing with the light,
We lie down weeping with the night.
We hug the world until it stings,
We curse it then and sigh for wings.
We live, we love, we woo, we wed,
We wreathe our prides, we sheet our dead.
We laugh, we weep, we hope, we fear,
And that's the burden of a year.

Me I'm heading off to Seville for 5 days now, a chance to chill, eat plenty of Tapas, drinks Vats of Rioja and catch up on my Flamenco and Bull fighting... Olay! :O)

Happy New Year folks, and another chance for us all to get it right :O) Surely though, New Years can't be New Years if we don't have regrets... ;O)

Ciao Caio
Confused from Cambridge
I (Sometimes) Blog there4 I Am

This made me laugh....

2007-10-28T12:11:00.000Z

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I Blog There4 I Am

Trafalgar 2007 Version!

2007-10-11T08:32:00.000+01:00

England Expects or the Battle of Trafalgar 2007 version

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ............. full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

Totally Extreme...

2007-10-11T08:01:00.000+01:00

I've ridden this Pass on a Bike and that was demanding enough... But this Guy... Buggy Roller... Serious Suicide Moments...

Now... Go to the Loo :o)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

National Poetry Day...

2007-10-04T18:14:00.000+01:00

And the winner of my National Poetry Competition goes to Isabell....

Excellent effort from a truely gifted man....

Back from the Brink of Becoming a Anorak
I once had an African Twin
It made me that boring I threw it in the bin
Now as do the sensible thing and use the car
My friends are far more pleased to see me at the bar
They now listen again as I talk
But from the bar I always walk

Bet this doesn’t make the blog
So why should I my brain flog
Freedom of speech is a wonderful thing
Let’s now see what Fletch’s next posting bring

And his prize... An intensive 5 day Motorbike course... Good Luck Dude.... :o)))

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I AM

Give Quiche A Chance...

2007-09-28T07:20:00.000+01:00

Sorry Gimboids, I'm a bit depressed today... I've just received notice that 'Red Dwarf' the movie has been shelved :o////

SMEG! The Holly Hop Drive has failed...

No more Dwain Dibbly, Bon voyage to Curry Nites (Every night was curry nite!), and hasta la vista to Ace Rimmer...

But at least, thanks to You Tube, we can still enjoy :o)

Better Smeg than Dead... :o)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

Saw this and thought of you....

2007-09-25T07:02:00.001+01:00

For reasons that I'm not totally sure about, when I saw this I thought of a little friend of mine from the Midlands.... ;o)

Here....

Well it made me laugh....

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

To my Critics....

2007-09-21T19:08:00.000+01:00

Get the Volume on... Watch to the end... Your gonna Love this... :o)))

Deaf Karaoke Live

If you laughed, Amnesty International here... How about giving a couple of quid... :o)
(Go on, you know you want to... Gotta be one of the bestest charities :o) )

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

Eduro Riding (Bike Dropping!)

2007-09-15T12:03:00.000+01:00

Boring Boring Boring...?

Yeah I know people, but last weeks adventure does deserve a little mention here, even if it does involve motorbikes... (But I'll keep it short ;o) )

Ok, no waffle... 4 Days 'Enduro' Riding in the Lake District... Much fun was had, though spending virtually a whole day standing on my pegs and picking my Bike up (when I dropped it, which I did frequently!), illustrated one thing to me... I'm not as young as used to be!!!

Anyways, in total sixty Africa Twin owners (which is probably about the total for the whole country!), turned up... Hard riding on and off road, hard drinking, hardcore... Had a complete Blast :o)

(Needs Sound On Folks)

Injuries? Only to Eloisa :o( Rear brake FuBAR, which did mean riding a few hundred miles home without it... But it all adds to the fun :o)

Was that short enough? ;O)

Take it easy folks...

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

Nothing to do with Motorbikes... Honest!

2007-09-06T05:30:00.000+01:00

As requested by the Bognor Blade, this post has nothing to do with Motorbikes...

Thats right... I have the next two days booked off as Leave. So what I thought I'd do is just sit at home, do a little extreme house work (Naked Ironing), clip my toe nails (try to make it exciting as possible by using an 18inch carving knife), then maybe take the rubbish out. And when I've finished all my chores I'm planning just to Veg out in front of the TV with a beer and watch a really exciting game of football... :o/

Honestly...

I Am NOT heading off to the Lake District for a four day Enduro weekend on Eloisa...
I Am NOT going to be off roading, churning up Mountain tracks all day...
I Am NOT going to be in the Pub in the evening...
I Am NOT going to lie to you... Read my lips, there are WMD's located close to Kendal ;o)

Have a good fews days at work people ;o)))

XRV Africa Tea Pot - Airborne Division :o)

And the sign said 'Long Haired Freaky People Need Not Apply' :o)
(Grow your hair BB ;o) )

I'm out of here :o)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge & Cumbria
I BLOG There4 I Am

The Directors Cut

2007-09-02T13:24:00.000+01:00

Had a few requests for more Video footage....!

SO here you are Boys and Girls...

Eloisa Goes to Tuscany - The Dic'tors Cut ;o)

Needs Sound Obviously!

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

Busy? Moi?

2007-09-01T03:49:00.000+01:00

I confess, it's been nearly a week since my last Blog Entry... :o(

Why? Well 'cus I've been bloody busy thats why!! :o)

Working away from home for the next month or so by the looks of things... It's all go go go... Anyways I can't complain, having to 'Live it up' in nice Hotels etc. etc. etc.

Ohh and with the Holiday and being busy at work on returning, I've forgotten to pay my mobile phone bill. Ergo the nice people at 'Orange' have cut me off... I know, weak excuse but hey, WTF, I'm worth it :o)

So, hope your all OK out there :o)

Take it easy

Ciao Caio
Confused from Cambridge and Portsmouth
I BLOG There4 I Am

He Came, He Saw, He ate a lot of Ice Cream :o)

2007-08-26T14:27:00.000+01:00

OK I admit it, I am sad (I've tried aversion therapy everything), but I still love riding my motorcycle. Hence the reason I'm a member of the XRV.ORG.UK Forum, a site dedicated to my specific type of motorbike.

I'm telling you this because I've already given the boys and girls on that forum the Full SP of the holiday in a Ride Report format. So what I thought I'd do on this Blog is just Copy and Paste it over... Simple :o) OK OK so it might well be slightly Adventure Motorcycling orientated, but there's some bits in it you might well enjoy, and well if you don't, do I look particularly bothered? Nope :O)

So here goes (and if you can't be arsed with all the reading just look at the pictures :o) )

OK Then Ride Report… Are you sitting comfortably? Good, then I’ll begin…

Day Zero…
Cambridge to Harwich!

After work, ride from Cambridge to Harwich for the 23:30 ferry (Yippee!)
Boarded an hour early, Ferry sailed an hour late. Plenty of straps available, although I had taken two of my own really heavy duty ones just in case. Very helpful crew to check all the bikes where secure and to lend a hand if needs be.
I’d booked a ‘Captains Cabin’ (real bed, free mini bar!), ‘cus I knew the next days riding would be long and I was gonna need to sleep during the crossing, and I did, like a baby.

Day One…
Hoek of Holland to Freiburg (Black Forrest, Southern Germany)

Our International survey of Macky D’s restaurants commences and we gave the Dutch a Score of 7 out of 10 for breakfast, not bad but let down by the standard of their coffee. Holiday Happy adrenaline kicked in, and although the weather was hot a good ride was had down the Motorways due South(ish), cruising at 80mph+ clocking up about 450 miles.

Mental note to self: Avoid the ‘Suicide’ lane; that is the fast lane of German Autobhans when riding an Africa, Eloisa is no where near quick enough to keep up!

Day Two…
Ride Out - The Black Forest

The Campsite owner sketched out a route of about 150miles we ‘had’ to do, so we did, awesome, local knowledge is always best, including Schluschsee, Sankt Peter and Titisee (yeah it amused me to boys!) Good hilly roads, good weather, good riding and lovely peaceful scenery.

Mental note to self: Remember the black squiggly bits of tarmac used copiously to fill the slight cracks in the asphalt are as slippery as hell in hot weather when cornering at speed (trust me here).

Day Three…
Frieburg to Fusch (Austria, between the Grosglocker and Zell Am See)

Take the scenic route via Switzerland, Liechtenstein and Austria, start to get that Julie Andrews feeling after passing Innsbruck, which goes some of the way to relieve the ‘Ive just been mugged in Switzerland’ anger after having to pay 50Euros for a Vinaigrette thingy! Approximately 450 miles in total, but it was a long 10+ hour day as a large proportion was single carriageway through the mountains and the numerous 10km+ western Austrian tunnels.

Mental note to self: Clean your bloody lights!

Day Four…
Ride Out – The Grosglockner (Austria’s highest mountain)

18Euros to enter the Grosglockner National Park for Bikes? It’s a deal; it’s a steal; it’s sale of the f**king century, totally awesome. Been there before but the roads up the mountains are truly magnificent and the weather again was great. Up to ‘Biker Point’ (It’s just so nice on the continent to be a biker and not being treated like a second class citizen!), and enjoy the stunning views before heading on to the Glacier (again biker friendly, with separate secure parking and even free helmet lockers!), and then on to Heiligenblut (an old favourite spot of mine, with what has to have one of the prettiest churches in the world!)

Sourced some most excellent Frankfurters, and thus begins our staple diet of Pasta and frankfurters for dinner, with variations how ever; including noodles with frankfurters; plain crusty bread with frankfurters and when available fried tinned potatoes with frankfurters (Scrambled Eggs on the side are optional, but always a nice treat, if your not the one on Pan washing detail!). The first experience of Eloisa’s Exhaust popping when descending the mountains.

Mental note to self: Riding through tunnels can be easier; if not smellier, when the dark visor on my lid is lifted up.

Day Five…
Rest Day

We both could use a Monging day, as we haven’t really stopped, sat back and relaxed yet, that and the next days ride was going to be another long one. Decide then to chill out at the campsite which did have a peaceful atmosphere to it, with an alpine stream running only yards away from the pitch and fantastic view over the misty mountains. So showers, spot of reading; listen to some tunes, invent new and exciting frankfurter recipes etc.etc.

Mental note to self: Buy a Higher tent on return to Blighty. I’d forgotten how challenging getting ‘squishy, bad, down and dirty’ in a low tent can be.

Day Six…
Fusch to San Gimignano (Tuscany, Italy)

Another long day with various terrains to traverse, commencing with a slow few hour ride over the Alps to the Dolomites, before heading due south again to Bologna, Firenze and then onto San Gimignano. Progress was slow, hampered by very changeable weather, having to ride through the smoke from a small forest fire and experiencing a truly massive thunderstorm that made riding somewhat treacherous.. The Italian Macky D’s score was a very poor 3 out of 10, most of their points where lost due to a very strange dressing!

Eventually reaching San Gim. after 10+ hours riding, about 450 miles, the campsite was packed, we were both tired, it was late and we just wanted some peaceful rest, and the only pitch left on the campsite was next to the sites ‘Disco’! F**k that for a game of soldiers, so we checked into a hotel we’d just passed for the night to experience the luxury of a real bed and had a proper dinner in a real restaurant.

Mental note to self: Remember, Italians should not be allowed, under any circumstances, to ride or drive anything, on any road, ever, period! When car drivers cut up ambulances with flashing blue lights, you just know there not going to care in the slightest about me on a motorbike, stay alert!

Day Seven…
Ride Out – Tuscany

OK I admit it, I truly adore Tuscany, San Gim., Florence and the surrounding area has to be one of my favourite spots anywhere in the world. There’s something about Italy and this area that defies age, it’s simplicity, it’s peacefulness, the washed out colour of every vista, the dilapidation of all the buildings, and people who I’ve always found to be some of the friendliest in the world; if not the most insane, the country is just so me.

Ohh that was arty, sorry, ok on with ride report. We set off early, got off the beaten track and just rode 200 miles or so of random roads, awesome riding in a stunning area. Passing through a few of the medieval villages in the area, lunching in Volterra and retiring back early to San Gim. to consume vast quantities of most excellent Pizza. And for pudding? Well just a couple (honest!), of Ice-creams bought from a Gelateria who just happened to be a Team Member of the World Champion Squad in 2006-2007…. Ummm….Sex in a cone!)

Mental note to self: In future, buy Ice-cream in single scoops but more frequently, triple scoops melt too quickly in the heat.

Day Eight…
Ride Out – Pisa and Florence

I really wanted to spend a whole day around Firenze and re-visit the Uffizi , but alas time and all that, so we did the morning in Pisa and the afternoon in Firenza. Battling the traffic around the tower was amusing, but I played ignorant tourist as I weaved my way the wrong way up one-way streets, hey; when in Rome... A late lunch was taken on the Ponte Vecchio, where else? ;o)

Mental note to self: Try and keep calmer when handed a bill for 9.5Euros for 2 small coffees in future.

Day Nine…
San Gimignano to Laas (Stelvio, Northern Italy)

Another long ride day, 400 miles, mostly motorway in high heat, back to Modena and up the E45, before heading west at Bolzano back into the mountains. The weather was hot, but we remained booted and suited, which is more than I can say for the Motorbike Carabiniere who were riding ‘CHiPs’ style, with short sleeved shirts, no gloves and thin trousers, what kinda example is that to give! (See day 6 and Italian riders/drivers).

We eventually arrived at the campsite, hot and weary, before realizing no provisions for the evening meal had been sourced and all the sausages had been eaten. It was late, we were in a Tiny Village and everywhere was shut, emergency instant Peperami Noodles… Umm… Yummy...

Mental note to self: Never rely on a single packet of Peperami Noodles to fortify ones constitution in future.

Day Ten…
Ride Out – Stelvio Pass

After waking early to purchase vast quantities of much need nourishment, bread, cheese and frankfurters, I striped the bike right back on weight and ran with only 10Ltrs of fuel to tackle the 2700mtr high and nearly 50 hairpins of the Stelvio pass. The weather had turn slightly damp, but mostly a dry ascent was made.

Absolutely bloody fantastic, even if it did take me 20 or so hairpins to get into the swing of just how tight some of them where, but after that, there was no stopping me. Well I didn't think Eloisa and I were doing to bad that was until a whole plethora of race bikes wasted us like we weren’t even moving. I did however note, the Pussys were all putting their feet down going around the hairpins and not taking them at any pace greater than me, phah, amateurs...

After a coffee, been robbed of 5Euros for a Frankfurter and another 4Euros for a 2cm Diameter ‘Stelvio Pass’ sticker at the top and a brief chat with another AT owner, the descent was made. And I must say, riding down facing away from the pass made for some breathtaking views, when I was able to briefly look away from the road that is. I was also really getting into the grove and by the time we had returned to the campsite I was feeling very smug about myself and my supreme mastery of everything motorcycle (To be short lived obviously!).

Mental note to self: Scraping a Peg on the tarmac going around a hairpin isn’t big and isn’t clever! (you might of noticed an ‘Oh F**k’ moment on the Video, at the seventh hairpin, just approaching the cars, 1 minuet 10 seconds in).

Day Eleven…
Laas to Grimsel (Swiss Alps)

For many reasons this was the best day for me. This was also the most demanding riding day by far, the bike was fully loaded, including 43Ltrs of fuel, we’re two-up, the day started by bucketing down with rain and the roads ahead where going to be even more demanding than the Stelvio Pass. We only covered about 250 miles in a whole day of virtual non stop riding, but the scenery traveling west through the Alps was just amazing.

Firstly the planned route took us through St.Moritz, where we obviously took the opportunity for an early lunch by the lake (we parked up and after rummaging around in my saddlebags I conjured up the squashed remains of the excessive quantities of bread and cheese purchase the day before, which I’m sure the locals didn’t really approve of), and then continued over some of the best roads you could possible ever wish to ride.

Julierpass, St.Gotthardpass, Nufenenpass, Ofenpass, Grimselpass and Furkapass all tackled in a single day, truly truly awesome riding in superlative scenery. Mountain road after mountain road, hairpin after hairpin, it never seemed to end. Well obviously it did, and I was completely knackered by the time we eventually pitched, tired but an extremely content boy.

Mental note to self: I’m not 12 years old any longer, chortling at funny place names is disrespectful to other cultures… ‘C**ter’ LOL

Day Twelve…
Grimsel to Xonrupt-Longemer (Alsace, France)

Getting back onto some boring motorways again, we stopped in Bern (to see the bears), before heading north leaving the Alps behind us and voyaging into the Alsace region of France (which in my very humble opinion is their nicest bit). Only covering 250 miles or so we traveled the winding roads over the Vosges Mountains through Munster into the valleys, eventually settling in a Campsite by Lake Longemer.

The riding was good, the scenery lovely through the wooded mountains and we spent a considerable amount of time leisurely riding down random narrow roads, where we were reminded of the regions turbulent past. A considerable number of WW1 war graves were located peacefully in the mountains, we stopped and gave due reverence, as you must in such situations.

Mental note to self: Offering a stranded GS Rider on your campsite the use of your spare chain when his Cardan is completely knackered and he’s loading his bike onto the back of a trailer doesn’t seem to amuse German BMW riders, try not to snigger smugly in future.

Day Thirteen…
Rest Day

A Day to briefly kick back, relax, relive some of our recent experiences and enjoy the surroundings. It rained a bit, which was the perfect excuse to hibernate in the tent and catch up on some zd’s.

Mental note to self: In future do not try to explain the Flying Spaghetti Monster religion (Stickers on Eloisa), to a family of Germanic and very Christian campers pitched next to you. Well not unless two or more of you have a common tongue with which to at least try and communicate successfully. (What is German for Noodly Appendages?)

Day Fourteen…
Longemer to Amsterdam (You know, the one in Holland)

I wanted to be further north to catch the Ferry the next day, so it was decided to put a few miles on and spend the night in Dam. A relatively easy ride of 300 miles or so, but what I noticed and what I hadn’t missed at all, was the increase of traffic in Northern Europe as we travelled through France, Luxembourg, Belgium and into the Netherlands.

A luxury was also staying in a Hotel in the centre of Dam, dinning out in a marvellous restaurant, wandering around the ‘District’ before retiring to one of Dams fantastic small and exceptionally friendly bars to consume vast quantities of outstandingly good beer. A well deserved treat of an evening, so cool, so Dam.

Mental note to self: There is a reason why they serve beer in small glasses, there’s no need to order 2 every time, take the hint!

Day Fifteen…
Amsterdam to Home

After taking breakfast in the city we try and escape Dam. Is it just me or are the Dutch really crap at signposting in cities? (OK so my lack of total awareness to Dutch signage might have been slightly impaired by the quantities of Leffe consumed the previous night). Anyways, 2 hours later and where at the ferry port and as had become are usual habit, drinking strong continental coffee by the bucket load, sitting in the sunshine and enjoying just watching the world pass by.

Loading the bike on the Ferry, this time the crew were less than helpful though straps where available, it was a bit chaotic and you were left to fend for yourself. We rested again in the ‘Captains Cabin’ before stocking up on DF’s and departing.

On returning to Blighty, yep you guessed it, pouring with rain and miserable. An ‘I don’t wanna be here’ last 100miles late in the evening ride to finish the trip.

Mental note to self: Don’t play ‘chicken’ with trams in future, they’re always gonna win!

Summary…

Awesome time, really really enjoyed the riding, the lifestyle and the freedom. If you’ve never done anything like this, do it; don’t just dream about it. Yes it can be hard work some days, but the rewards, where ever you travel on a Bike once you get off the motorways are enormous, you're there, you're totally submerged in your surroundings, everything from the slightest smell to the greatest vista you truly live and experience.

Ohhh… If anyones ever down in San Gim. and they find a large fitting, right handed Alpinestars summer glove, it’s mine!

And the Movie?
Needs Sound On Folks...

Take it easy Boys and Girls :o)

Ciao Ciao
Confused from... Holland, France, Luxembourg, Belgium, Germany, Switzerland, Liechtenstein, Austria and Italy
I BLOG There4 I AM

Rain !

2007-08-20T06:56:00.000+01:00

Hi Honey I'm home :o)

OK it is now officially safe to drive on the continent again... :o)

Ummm... What's with all this bloody rain anyways?

So a quick post, a movie and a few photos, I'll bore you all with the details another time...

Needs Sound On Folks...

Some photos? Oh OK then, but just a few :o)

Anyways a most excellent time was had :o)

Laters Boys and Girls (Back to Work!)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

Stop the world....

2007-08-03T06:30:00.000+01:00

Shit I'm knackered.... :o/ To much work and not enough play... I need a long relaxing break...

Thats Lucky... Yep, 'cus it's holiday time :o))) Tonight it's bon voyage life for two whole weeks and off down to the continent to frollick around on motorbikes :o)))

That's it, no long post, no Itinerary (cus, there isn't one!), just ride around, hopefully getting down to Venice and Florence via the Stelvio Pass, before moseying on home :O)

Two weeks of this (below), but obviously riding on the other side of the road with maybe just the addition of an occasional mountain included in the vista... (Needs sounds!)

Ahh... Bliss... :o))))

Take it easy Boyz and Girls :O)

TTFN Folks :o)
Ciao Ciao
Confused from Cambridge
I Blog There4 I Am

Hedge Hopping...

2007-07-28T08:41:00.000+01:00

Hedge Hopping...? What the Hell is "Hedge Hopping" I hear you all ask...? Well let me explain...

It's the new name I've given to describe an unfortunate occurrence which involves a Hedge (No prizes for guessing that one!), a motorcycle (with me on it!), and a bereft lack of Tarmac underneath said motorcycle.

In short, it's when the front end of the Motorbike goes a bit 'squishy' as it slips on Oil as you round a corner at 55mph, and your left with the option either to lie it down on the Tarmac and slid it along the road. Or, and this is obviously the preferred option, try and straighten her up, scrub a little speed and aim for a soft landing, a nice grass verge with a hedge running parallel...

And that's exactly what happened to me early Friday Morning... Ummm... (Choices ;o) )

Hey, if your worried at all don't be, I'm cool, nothing broken, just a bit of tenderness all over (which is my vindication of spend £2K on good bike clothing), and a slight dent to my pride...

Ohh and EL'G is fine to, courtesy of the soft landing. Just a bit of cosmetic damage, but she still managed to get me the further 120miles home afterwards...

Any accident you get out of unhurt, whether in a car or on a Bike is a Result... ;O)

Have a good weekend people :o)))
(I'm doing R&R :o) )

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

NWM Pt3.

2007-07-18T07:52:00.000+01:00

(Click to Enlarge) Biker Humour ;o)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

NMW Pt.2

2007-07-17T20:25:00.000+01:00

OK National Motorcycle Week...

But today I'm gonna cheat, I'm gonna Post something I've done already... :O)

I'm gonna tell you, ('cus it's NWM and I've got a good excuse :o) ), just why my Eloisa - The XRV750 Africa Twin, is just the bestest motorbike in the whole wide world, ever ever... :O)

Actually, I'm not gonna tell you... I'm gonna show you... Turn your volume up and Watch this UTube Vid :o)))

Needs sound...

Eloisa won the 'Dakar Rallye' three years in succession... The most gruelling race known to man... Truly Awesome :O)

My 'Eloisa', I salute you :O)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

National Motorcycle Week

2007-07-15T19:33:00.001+01:00

Yes people it's national Motorcycle Week, just how cool is that!! :O)

So I'm gonna try and do a 'Bike' related post every day this week, I know boring but hey :o)

Anyways, todays message post maybe the most important...

This to all you 'Tin Box' people out there please just take the 44 seconds to watch this...

Over 75% of accidents involving motorcycles aren't due to excessive speed, recless young inexperienced riders etc... They're due to Car drivers invading the Motorcycles right of way...

They just didn't see them...

And a lighter note on the same subject... This made me laugh :O)

Hey Boys and Girls, just take a tenth of a second longer at junctions, 'Look' for bikes... (Another 30 second movie...)

Now I know some of you out there might like to see me dead, but it might not be some old mad fool like me you kill, it might be some young boy or a girl just starting out on there way in life who can't afford to buy a car... Just think about it, hey?

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

The Day The World Stood Still...

2007-07-07T07:00:00.000+01:00

It was an ordinary day, much like any other. The good people of the small country market town went about there business much as they would on any other July Morn. The young children swinging their satchels, walked to school drenched in the heat from an early morning sun, while their parents made themselves ready for the day ahead. The shops busied themselves readying for opening as usual, while the Marketeers in earnest eagerly began to set up their stalls in the square.

No-one could of foreseen what lied ahead for those unfortunate enough to have to travel even just few a miles out from that sleepy, peaceful Cambridgeshire hamlet.

Some Tossers closed the M11!!!!

My trip to work at present, as I'm sure both my regular readers will know involves travelling some eighty five miles from a St.Ives (Oh Oh I can see my flat in that Video :o) ), to Northern Kent, and a considerable distance of this is on the M11... (Said above motorway, that was shut!)

So lets begin the yarn, an actual blow by blow eye witness account of the complete incompidence, brought to you by the Highways Agency and the Essex Police Constabulary... Enjoy...

Right, so there I was, sitting at home threatening the kids, when I heard this loud knock at my door, it was the Piranha Brothers. Everyone feared Doug Piranha, this was largely due to his merciless use of sarcasm, dramatic irony, metaphor, pathos, puns, parody, litotes and satire, oh and just the occasional use of thermo nuclear devices... (Ummm... I have absolutely no idea where that one sprang into my memory from :o) )

OK, the sign "Motorway Shut" directed us all down an exit road off the motorway. Another, "Diverted Traffic" showed the alternate route, not that much indication was required, the considerable volume of queuing traffic filtering off the Motorway and snaking its way into rural Essex on a single carriageway A road was somewhat of a dead give away.

All appeared to be going well for the first ten miles or so until another "Diverted Traffic" sign seemed to be causing some drivers a reason for concern. Ahead of me I could see many vehicles ignoring it and not making the suggested turn, others though, including a high proportion of Heavy Goods Vehicles where taking the suggested route.

Not having a map freely available to me, I could only do as recommended, I followed the sign along with the majority of my fellow 'Divertees'. This, which would soon be illuminated to me, was a big mistake!

It appeared that the last diverted traffic sign was in situ not for the closure of the Motorway, but in fact for the closure of a much smaller minor road located not far from the motorway, but in no manner connect to it.

And so it was, I found myself virtually trapped, stationary on a single track B road (with passing points though!), along with hundreds if not thousands of other fellow travellers. HGV's, caravans and cars all stuck, completely stationary with the queue stretching for tens of miles onwards through minor roads. Not able to move at all, forwards, backwards, turn around or exit from the small windy narrow country lane, completely ensnared (In my mind I envisage this massive seizure being caused by a small family of ducks attempting to cross the lane to enter a village Pond, where upon a whole torid of Japanese tourist swiftly exited their tour bus to record this quintessential English Kodak moment!), but it was more likely coursed by just a single vehicle attempting to travel in the opposite direction! Anyway's, no-one was going anywhere, ever, it was a complete farce! This was the day the world stood still.

Well, when I say 'No-one' obviously I didn't include myself in that statement, I meant all the other countless poor sods that had been mis-directed in life. Fortunately for Moi, the Gods had dictated that I was to ride one of my motorbikes that morning, so I just did a quick huey, turned around and travelled back the five miles or so dodging in between Artic's and killer Hawthorn Bushes up the cramped and somewhat incapacious lane and rejoined the correct, un-indicated route :o)

I can only assume now some twenty four hours later that the Red Cross have managed to fly in supplies of food (Orange sauce obviously ;o) ), and blankets to all those tricked and still trapped with no-where to go. And that maybe the Army have managed to air lift out at least some of the youngest, the old and the infirm, because unless you were on two legs or on two wheels, you just weren't going anywhere!

Have a good weekend folks, and maybe just spare a moments thought for those people trapped yesterday in the Essex countryside, who were making there way to Stansted Airport to meet their holiday flights, all of whom for certain would of missed them due to the inept actions of the Authorities.

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I Blog There4 I Am

Piranha Brothers... Uninitiated... Here and Here.... LOL :o) @ Spinny Norman in Pt.2).

Horizons Unlimited...?

2007-06-25T07:15:00.000+01:00

So this I guess is the statuary, what I did on my holiday post... (OK more long weekend than Holiday...) OK then, this is the what I did on my Long weekends break away to the Horizons Unlimited Annual UK Meeting Blog Entry...

OK are you all sitting comfortably? Good, so I'll begin...

Well Biggest Bonus of the Long weekend was that I got to meet one of my Hero's, which all things considered can't be a bad thing now can it :o)))

The Hero then? Ummm... You've never heard of him... Bet'ya?

OK the chap is called Austin Vince... (Please resist the cheap Austin Powers gags here people, this guy is a serious Hardcore adventure motorcyclist.... Alright just zip it. Zip it, zip. Ladies and gentleman of the jury Ex-zip-it A.. Would you like to have a suckle of my zipple? Zip. Zip, Zip it, zip it)

(Sorry I don't know what came over me then, I also made a Marzipan Voodoo effigy of the Fonze while I was in a coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash... But at the end of the day can anyone honestly say they haven't done that?)

NOOOOO Not that Austin... Austin Vince...!!! Now you want me to tell you why he happens to be one of my hero's don't you (just to try justify your ignorance ;o) ). OK Austin Vince was one of the original organiser of 'Mondo Enduro'!!! :o)

What? What do you mean you've never heard of 'Mondo Enduro'? Oh FFS boys and girls where have you been all your lives, do I have to explain everything to you!

OK 'Mondo Enduro'... In 1994, seven guys decide down the pub (where else?) to motorcycle around the world by the longest route possible. Before departure, not one of them has ever repaired a punctured tyre, They fail to get sponsorship, travel insurance, and most of their travel visas. 44000 miles on Bikes... All filmed by themselves on a couple of little Cenni Cameras, a later cut even managed to get aired on the Discovery channel... Official Web Site here... (Books and DVDs if your remotely interested), totally hardcore, no Ewan and Charlie flash BMW's with massive budgets, just normal guys doing an insane trip on motorbikes.

Anyways, Austin, after completing the 'Mondo' trip he then decided to do it all again... Why? I have absolutly no idea... But massive respect to him... OK so he is a complete 'Fruit Loop' but what the heck... I think he's even made it as an actor now onto the TV Channel 4!

So that's Austin, And I've met him :o) (And I'll stop now because I am completely aware that I'm beginning to ramble on just a bit!)

I can't really remember much else about the four days, I'd had a few sherbets :O)

Ohhh It rained... A Lot...

OK OK I remember lots, but I don't really want to bore you lot with the Blah Blah Blah of what happens when you put 500 motorcycle travellers in the same camp site, yep your right... you have to queue at the bar!

Instead I think I'll bore you all with some Pictures of Eloisa in her latest guise and some of the Meeting, the cooking and the rain!

So there you go then folks, that's about it... If I think of anything remotely interesting I'll let you know... (Ohh buy the 'Mondo Enduro' DVD, totally awesome :o)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I AM

A Small Break!

2007-06-20T18:46:00.000+01:00

Yippee four days off... (Oh come on... I haven't had any time off since starting the new Job back in February, so I think I deserve it :o))) )

And what am I intending to do with the time I here you all ask....?

Well... Four days Motorbike Camping in the Dales attending the annual Horizons Unlimited Gig :o)))

Awesome... :o))))

Note for my Diary... 11Am Saturday Morning... It's... The Roadkill Cookout!!! (If you hit it, your allowed to eat it :o) No its the Law Honest! (Small Children not included obviously! ;o) ))

Hey... take it easy folks... :o)))

Ciao Ciao
Confused from Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

The Mighty Eloisa...

Live and let Live?

2007-06-15T06:35:00.000+01:00

So there I am... In some dodgy French hotel bar (actually that's not completely fair, it wasn't that bad, accept for coffee, which I had expected to be the only thing they were gonna get right!), winding away a few hours, partaking in a few sherbets, as you do (Ohhh kinda got hooked on Leffe Blonde, some Belgium silly strong Abbey Beer, very good), chatting and watching whatever was displayed on the communal super silly sized Bar TV. I guess, if you've gotta work away from home all week, thats what you've gotta do, right? (Thanx :o) )

Anyways, I'm there, drinking, chatting (and BB is gonna be so proud of me here), there was also some football being played out on the TV I was vaguely aware of (The blue team had lots of players, the white team also seemed to have lots, but the guys in Yellow only seemed to have three! Hardly fair!).

Now it turned out that the footy happened to be some kinda International, nope I've got no idea of the details accept for it was Israel playing someone else. Now, the only reason I know it was Israel was because I overheard the following conversation a group of aging English guys watching the game had with a very young (six your seven), little French boy.

English Twat "So which team do you want to win?"
French Boy "The team in white"
English Twat "Israel are playing in white"
French Boy "Yes I want Israel to win"
English Twat "You want the Jew Boys to Win?"
French Boy "Pardon?" [With a dodgy French accent]
English Twat "Are you a Little Jew Boy then?"
French Boy "Ummm..." [Obviously not understanding]
English Twat "We all hate the Jew Boys"
French Boy [Shuts up because he obviously doesn't understand anymore]

My response, after a few seconds to take stock of what the guy had just said, was to walk over (making myself look as big as possible by inflating my chest etc.), and to respond with "You make me embarrassed to be English"... I know, really weak, but it was all I could think of at the time, to many beers... They didn't say a word back, just look at me, looked down at their beer then looked away. (Obviously when I'd walked back ten feet or so I could vaguely make out there attempt at humorous responses in the background).

Events in my life this week have been dispersed with racism and prejudice of some kind or another and I know it's tough sometimes for us all not to stereotype, but it's a very slippery slope to tread. For who are we to judge others? What gives us the right to be critical of any man and his or her beliefs, lifestyles, or even the reason they are who they are? Are any of us perfect ourselves? No.

So why don't we just take the time to get to know these people when we get a chance to, take the time to try and understand them, after all isn't it true that after all is said and done, all any of us are trying to do is purely survive? This is our common bond with everyone, survival.

"Criticism is prejudice made plausible." - H.L.Mencken... Think about it...

Ciao Ciao Folks (and have a good weekend :o) )
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

NB. This in no way means I'm gonna start forgiving George Bush and that mob over there! (Before you even ask!! ;o) )

Bit Rude... But I just loved it...

2007-06-09T08:27:00.000+01:00

OK Chocolate Fans....

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.

She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend.

On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.

He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said. "I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.

It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar it felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly,3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!

Thanx BB :o)

Ciao Caio
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

A Message

2007-06-06T06:56:00.000+01:00

A Breif Message to my critics....

F**K You :O))))

'cus.... I never wanted to do this in the first place!

I... I wanted to be... A Lumberjack.....

Leaping from tree to tree, as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia!

The Larch! The Pine! The Giant Redwood tree! The Sequoia! The Little Whopping Rule Tree!

The smell of fresh cut timber! The Crash of Mighty Trees! With my best girl by my side!

We'd sing! Sing! Sing!

And you use to think I was so Rugged... ;o)

:o)))

Ciao Caio
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

Shift Happens...

2007-06-04T06:57:00.000+01:00

Take Six minuets and Six seconds out of your Life... (Yes Take this time to learn... This might well be the most important information you don't know, but afterwards will give you a lifetime to think about...)

Watch this presentation...

The Top Ten Jobs Demanded in 2010 didn't exist in 2004...
We're currently training students to solve problems we don't know we have yet...
Who will use Technologies that haven't yet been invented to solve them...

glumbert.com - Shift Happens

Shift happens... Time to start thinking outside the Box?

(Ohhh Awesum Soundtrack... Last of the Mohicans... The Kiss...)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

Look What I Found :o)))

2007-05-29T19:55:00.000+01:00

Gerald :o))))

I was looking for 'The Gay Christian' Sketch... Ohhh Found that to... :o)))

So So Good... So heres a couple more :o)))))

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

Well it made me laugh :o)

2007-05-29T07:06:00.000+01:00

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said, as an observant Orthodox Jew, that homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual cleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not to Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including th hair around their temple, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Lev.20:14)?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

OK OK I'll get me coat
Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

I feel a purchase coming on :o)

2007-05-29T06:55:00.000+01:00

:o)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

It's arrived... :O)

2007-05-25T18:12:00.001+01:00

Umm... Now refresh my memory here, didn't I start this new Job back in February? Ohh yes, wasn't the order for my Company Car placed then... Ummm Yes... What date is it now? Jezz.... But on Wednesday it finally arrived.... :o)

Anyways... Here she is...

Toyota Avensis... (The T180 top of the range model of course ;o) With all the toys, Sat.Nav. blah blah blah... ohh and mustn't forget the "Darkened grille with chrome effect" ;o) )

So first impression... Not a bad drive... BIG, but Toyota have stolen the 180bhp Lexus Diesel engine and put it in her so she got a little bit of Poke :o) Slight understeer round the tight bends (110mph+), squirms a tad under heavy breaking, not terminal though, and there's a BIG button to turn the bloody traction control off :o) And... £8K cheaper than the equivalent (slower), BMW!!! (I hate those bloody Germans! ;o) )

So was she worth the wait? Well apart from having 50% too many (17-inch 5-spoke smoked alloy) wheels, I guess so ;o) (The only good thing with 4 wheels is 2 motorbikes ;o) )

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I AM

Because I'm worth it :o)

2007-05-21T07:30:00.000+01:00

OK so I know I'm setting myself up for a torrid of abuse here but...!!!

Because I'm worth it, I've just invested in a custom made Saddle for Eloisa to keep my Tush (backside, rump, butt, heinie, buttocks, derriere, posterior, butt, arse), baby soft :o)

Complete with 10mm Gel inserts in the main section and for the pillion, this saddle is made to measure.... :o)))

There you go... Let the flood gates open! (No I wasn't referring to my Piles ;o) )

Be Nice To Your Bum :o)

Amicitia

2007-05-09T20:13:00.000+01:00

'There isn't much better in this life than finding a way to spend time in conversation with people you respect and love. You have to carve this time out of your life because you aren't really living without it.' - Real Live Preacher

A friend called me to day, out of the Blue, for no real reason but to chat and catch up even though it has only been ten days since I saw them last. This phone call lasted only a ten minuets or so, but it got me pondering. It's a strange feeling, for the first time in my entire life, moving up to Cambridge has meant I am not surrounded by my friends. There's a Czech Proverb that came to mind 'Don't protect yourself by a fence; but rather by you friends', and that's exactly what I have done all my life, valued my friendships.

I guess it hard to come forward with our friends and tell them how much we love and appreciate them, and in my case miss them close by to spend time with frequently. Sometimes it's awkward to express feelings like these because it's not be common practice. We might even feel embarrassed to tell them, or even fear this will embarrass them.

But never the less, we will have moments when we realise how lucky we are to know these people when want to express to them our gratitude. For sticking by us even though we're no longer geographically close to them, for taking the time to write that email asking how we're doing, or just a quick 'Hello' text or even a phone call, all these things touch us; secure us; and make us feel complete.

'The friendship that can cease has never been real' - Saint Jerome

So to all you back there on the South Coast; and a few in Stratford; a mushy moment... Thanx all for still being there, I do appreciate it :o)

Take it easy folks, and of course; keep it sleazy ;o)

'When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends.' - Japanese Proverb (F**k I'm knackered!!! DF, I'm denying ever knowing you ;o) )

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

Oh a quick footer then... I'll leave you with a few words from Dame Edna... "My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia."

Say Hello to El'G

2007-05-04T06:31:00.000+01:00

Eloisa has got a little sister... Ladies and Gentlefolk, may I introduce to you EL'G :o) (LR, obviously I'm not inferring your a Lady it was just a generalisation, don't take any offence ;o))

Hehehe... Silly Grin Time :o))) (Well there will be this weekend when I pick her up!)

The Honda VFR800Fi... Which means nothing to none of you I know (and me come to think about it!), but she is an awesome bike!

And for the benefit of The Bognor Blade, before he starts, shes quick... Really quick! More than capable of breaking every speed limit in 2nd Gear!

00-60mph - EL'G : 3.3secs - Lamborghini Murcielago : 3.6secs - Merc C 220 CDI : 11.7!
0-100mph - EL'G : 7.8secs - Lamborghini Murcielago : 8.7secs - Merc can't get to 100mph!

So why do I need another bike I here you all cry... Well at the moment I'm totting up 160 miles nearly every day travelling to and from a Clients site and having to contend with the rush hour traffic on the M11, the M25 and the Dartford crossing... Now obviously I have the use of my company car, but the current record for the longest duration taken to achieve this on four wheels stands at six hours forty five minuets... On a bike the average is two hours twenty mins... (It's a No Brainer! Four extra hours down the Pub or in Bed!)

Take Eloisa? I Have been; and she loves it, but I'm clocking up to many miles on her and I'm trying to keep her mileage down for touring... EL'G sole purpose is to eat those Motorway Miles up every day... (Oh and maybe have a bit of fun at the weekends :o) )

400 million spermatozoa and I filtered the fastest, it's in the genes ;o)

Ciao Ciao
Life is not about how Fast you ride, or how Far you travel, but about how well you bounce!
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

Lee Majors Eat Your Heart Out!

2007-05-04T06:30:00.000+01:00

And just when you thought that the CGI Hollywood stunt teams had gone to far, to unrealistic... Bollywood is please to present, for your entertainment pleasure....

Well it made be laugh :o) (Are all tractors in India Red? :O) )

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

So Cool :o)

2007-04-25T06:39:00.000+01:00

This is So Cooooooooooooooooooool :o)

Andy Warhol eat your heart out :o)

Thanx Gem :o)(I hate these Smarty Arty types!)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

Happy St.Branson Day ?

2007-04-23T07:13:00.000+01:00

Ummm.... Only in England could we have a patron Saint who was Turkish... Not only Turkish but in the employ of the Roman Army... He's not only the Patron Saint of England however, no he is the patron saint of Canada, Catalonia, Ethiopia, Georgia, Greece, Montenegro, Portugal, and Serbia to...

Think I might have to put forward a more English patron to the authorities. Not a bad idea I recon, so your suggestions on the back of a post card please people... (I'm thinking Lennon, Scott, Cook or Sutcliffe ;o) )

Mind you this government wouldn't listen to reason anyway, for Christ sake St.George himself would of been arrested today under the 2004 Hunting Act! (Oh that poor dragon!)

OK OK I'll fake patriotism for one moment, Happy St.Georges Day people, but more importantly, happy birthday Dad :o)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

Eloisa Photo Shoot...

2007-04-22T13:32:00.000+01:00

For Reasons I'm not gonna go into, Eloisa and I ended up having a mini photo shoot this Morning... Anyway's, just thought I'd share a few of the Photos out of the many hundreds taken!

We're both booted, suited and ready to go anywhere! OK I know the Orange bags don't really go with the Dark and Sinister Darth Fletch mystery rider look ;o) (Thanx for that DF!). They're are however 100% weather proof, very important as they contain a tent, sleeping bags and a whole plethora of other essential camping equipment which it is most desirable to keep dry! :o)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

Open Heart... (A Girlie Post)

2007-04-19T13:24:00.000+01:00

Returning Home - Open Heart

Bit of a Girlie Post, but hey, I liked it... A DailyOm :o)

Spiritual teachers have always pointed to the heart as the seat of consciousness, and recently Western science has found evidence to support this realization. It turns out that the heart has its own central nervous system and is not simply under the rule of the brain as formerly believed. Anyone who has taken the time to explore the heart knows this and, more important, has realized that the heart is the source of our connection to a consciousness greater than the ego. Approaching life with an open heart means that we have opened the door to this greater consciousness, taking up residence alongside it in the seat of our soul. Fortunately, at this time there is a lot of support for this shift energetically as well as practically. To some degree, approaching life with an open heart is as simple as shifting your attention onto your heart.

Eventually you will be able do this any time, any place, but at first it may help to try it in a quiet place where you won't be disturbed. Simply sit with your eyes closed and draw your breath into your heart. As your breath expands your chest cavity, your heart expands and opens. You may feel tenderness or sadness in your heart, and you may also feel relief. Any emotions that arise can be effectively witnessed and healed through the meditation process, which benefits both your physical heart and your energetic heart. The more you practice, the more you will find your heart opening to your own presence and to all the situations your life brings.

When we open our hearts, they may feel tender and vulnerable, which simply means that they need our loving attention as we cleanse and heal them of past hurts and blockages. This process asks us to practice some of the heart's greatest lessons-patience, compassion, and unconditional love. On the other hand, we may take up residence as effortlessly as a bird returns to its nest. Either way, approaching life with an open heart simply means returning to our true home.

Makes you wonder...

And Backwheel... Don't even think about starting!!! ;o)

Ciao Ciao
Confused from Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

The next big thing 'S-Commerce'

2007-04-18T06:35:00.000+01:00

A New way of living?

They're calling it 'S-Commerce' or 'Shops' and it's being rolled out in cities and towns nationwide.

"It's a real revelation," according to Malcolm Fosbury, an engineer from Hillingdon. "You just walk into one of these shops and they have all sorts of things for sale."

Fosbury was particularly impressed by a clothes shop he discovered while browsing in central London. "Shops seem to be the ideal medium for transactions of this type. I can actually try out a jacket and see if it fits me. Then I can visualize the way I would look if I was wearing the clothing." This is possible using a high definition 2D viewing system, or "mirror" as it has become known.

Shops, which are frequently aggregated into shopping portals or "high streets", are becoming increasingly popular with the cash-rich time-poor generation of new consumers. Often located in densely populated areas people can find them extremely convenient.

And Malcolm is not alone in being impressed by shops. "Some days I just don't have the time to download huge Flash animations of rotating trainers and then wait five days for them to be delivered in the hope that they will actually fit," says Sandra Bailey, a systems analyst from Chelsea.

"This way I can actually complete the transaction in real time and walk away with the goods."

Being able see whether or not shoes and clothing fit has been a real bonus for Bailey, "I used to spend my evenings boxing up gear to return. Sometimes the clothes didn't fit, sometimes they just sent the wrong stuff." Shops have a compelling commercial story to tell too, according to Gartner Group retail analyst Carl Baker. "There are massive efficiencies in the supply chain. By concentrating distribution to a series of high volume outlets in urban centres-typically close to where people live and work-businesses can make dramatic savings in fulfilment costs. Just compare this with the wasteful practise of delivering items piecemeal to people's homes." Furthermore, allowing consumers to receive goods when they actually want them could mean an end to the frustration of returning home to find a despatch notice telling you that your goods are waiting in a delivery depot the other side of town.

But it's not just the convenience and timesaving that appeals to Fosbury,

"Visiting a shop is real relief for me. I mean as it is I spend all day in front of a fucking computer."

;o)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

Stay on Target!

2007-04-16T07:05:00.000+01:00

I'm clocking up a fair few miles at the moment, close to 1000 a week, mostly on the Bike, so not surprisingly last week I came across an accident on our busiest of motorways, the M25 (I use the word 'Motorway' loosely, the worlds most expensive car park might be more accurate). Fortunately for me I was on Eloisa when this happened and at the front of queue with a few other fellow bikers, we dismounted and had a quick cigarette and a chat while the Police closed the road to clear the accident.

A very young (probable inexperienced), lady driver had swooped left from the outside lane at the very last second to try to exit on a slip road, I assume she hadn't been concentrating fully and had virtually missed her exit. Unfortunately for her she failed to notice a sixteen wheeler on her nearside, which 'collected' her vehicle, pushing it up the motorway a considerable distance before depositing it against the Armco in the central reservation. (Miraculously, after they cut her out the vehicle she walked away suffering only a little shock, a fitting tribute to modern car safety design, me thinks.)

Anyhows, the accident wasn't what I actually wanted to post about, it was what I was witnessing around me while I waited forty minuets or so for the incident to be cleaned up (Incidentally, I found it most ironic that the Police had to use the Artic Lorry that the woman hit to pull her vehicle off the carriageway to a safe position!).

Well I guess most curiously, I saw people in the waiting queue of traffic behind me get out from the vehicles and start taking photographs of the event, while the woman was still in the vehicle! Am I the only one that finds this just a tad disturbing? What if she'd died? Macabre or what! I couldn't bring myself to say anything to the people taking the shots; I just couldn't believe what I was seeing. Very strange behaviour, especially as I'd always believed I have a sick sense of humour, but this was verging on perverse, people getting gratification from others possible 'Life and Death' situation.

Anyway, that wasn't what I was intending to post about either; it was the massive queue of traffic on the opposite carriageway, the gawpers!

Here's a paradox. We make are driving environments safer by making it more predictable, but then we relax and stop concentrating fully, bad move. Take for instance the 'Rubber-Necking' phenomena I was witnessing (where people looking at accident lose concentration and have an accident themselves), usually this happens on major roads where all unpredictability has been removed, then you add an unexpected outside influence and KerrBang!

For the record, you're most likely to have an accident in a vehicle three seconds after being distracted, in fact over 80% of all accidents and 65% of all 'near misses' are coursed by distraction (sounds obviously doesn't it, so here are the top distractions...)

1) Eating or Drinking
2) An Outside person, object or event (Rubber-necking!)
3) Adjusting your ICE (In Car Entertainment, CD player etc.)
4) Other occupants in the vehicle (Stop that woman!!! ;o) )
5) Moving objects in the vehicle
6) Smoking related (Any excuse to try making me quit ;o))
7) Talking or listening on a mobile phone* (see below)
8) Dialing a mobile phone
9) Using device/object brought into the vehicle (Blackberries etc.)
10) Using a device/object integral to the vehicle (Aircon etc.)

*Worth noting people is that researchers found that it did not matter if the driver was wearing a hands free kit of actually holding the phone, it's equally risky!

Speed doesn't kill... Not concentrating Kills... In fact, studies have shown that higher speed limits have decreased road accidents by creating more space between cars and allowing traffic to flow better. (When the New York State Thruway increased its speed limit from 55 mph to 65 mph in 1995, the death rate went down, mind you American statistics could be conceived as odd at best... This is a country where roundabouts are virtually non-existent and it's illegal to filter on a motorbikes. They haven't really thought this whole traffic flow thing through properly have they!)

So after the incident was cleared I rode off from the front of a massive queue down a deserted motorway, counting three small 'shunts' in the fifteen mile queue that had now gridlocked the opposite carriageway, all coursed by people being distracted and losing concentration. Rubber-necking might we'll be a natural response to an outside influence, but its no excuse to stop thinking about your driving...

So folks, go fast, enjoy yourself but keep concentrating!!! Take plenty of breaks and always; always; always have maximum respect for and give way to; Big Black Motorbikes with lots of lights bearing down on you at a rapid rate of knots ;o)

Ciao Ciao
Confused from Cambridge
I Blog There4 I Am

Maths Tests...

2007-04-12T06:34:00.000+01:00

For the unaware, there is a slight difference between private schools and comprehensives in Britain. The Department of Education has realised this and has revised the secondary Maths Exam papers accordingly.

Attached are the most recent maths exam papers for your reference.

MATHS TEST FOR COMPREHENSIVES
Name _____________________________
Nickname__________________________
Gang Name________________________

1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for 300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie for 90 quid, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is GBP40 a ride, how many jobs per day must each bitch perform to support Damon's GBP500 a day coke habit?

3. Crackster wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid to make a 20% profit. How many grams of Strychnine will he need?

4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got GBP350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends GBP33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his money?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre,how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free ?

6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Jordan loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled when he gets whacked?

MATHS TEST FOR PRIVATE SCHOOLS
Name______________________________________________
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________
________________________________________
(If longer please continue on a separate sheet)
School _______________________________________________
Daddy's/Mummy's Company ____________________________

1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing 3 people. The old man asks his local Chief Constable to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving now?

2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Fiona doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Tristram fancies the arse off a certain number of debutants, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 tablets of Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two thirds?

4. If Verity throws up 4 times a day for a week she can fit into a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up 3 times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?

5. Henry is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When will he stand for parliament?

Well I thought they were funny :o)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

Eloisa - The 'Africa' Twin!

2007-04-06T11:07:00.000+01:00

Someone recently accused me of riding an 'Old Mans' motorbike...(This is a chap that Drives a Honda FFS!)

Anyhows, here young MC is my Retort...

Eloisa - The XRV750 Africa Twin (There is a subtle hint in the word 'Africa' as to her pedigree), won the Paris Dakar Rallye three years in succession...

This I can assure you is no small achievement... The 'Dakar' is the worlds most demanding Enduro (2000+ miles and some B'stards put the Sarah desert in the middle!) race, both on man and machine...? Check out the Video...

Needs sound...

Conclusion... Well if they're what you call 'Old Mans' bikes, I'd hate to see what you think the Kids are riding... ;o)

(Ohhh... And if you don't think that was an awesome Vid. your dead from the neck down! Tarmac is for Pussys!!!)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

Living it up... Under Canvas

2007-04-05T08:15:00.000+01:00

The new Tent has been Ordered... :o)

What? Well I'm excited, it's taken me months to research and source the best possible option! OK I'm sounding really sad now aren't I? But the problem is finding a lightweight, reliable, robust four season tent isn't as easy as you might think. It's not quite a case of nipping down to Millets, they don't stock expedition quality canvas that's suitable for use in the Himalaya and equally at home in a Rain Forest...!

OK so in the interest of your sanity I won't bore you with the details, but trust me here, it is the Dogs Dangly Bits :o) [Its a Hilleberg Nallo GT 3, for those of you that might want to fake some remote interest :o) )

Can you tell I'm pretty excited... :o)

June brings a test run at the Horizons Unlimited (Hardcore Motorcycle Adventurers!!!), meet in Derbyshire for a long weekend (These Boys and Girls are a right bunch of Nutter, having competitions to see who can come up with the best 'Road Kill' recipes and alike, 'Eat What Hits You'!).

And in August, in pencil/fag packet format at the moment is planned is a 16 Day little tour around Europe on Eloisa... [France, Belgium, Lux, Germany, Austria, Italy, Switzerland]... Hey, if your gonna test a tent, might as well do it in the Alps :O)

Well all... Happy 'Jesus is better; it seems he really wasn't that poorly after all!' celebrations people, have a good long weekend and don't eat to much chocolate :O)

Ciao Ciao
Confused from Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

Motorcycle thoughts....

2007-03-31T18:59:00.000+01:00

Do loud pipes (Exhaust Can), save lives? This is a philosophical question.

The first point is that motorcycles differ radically from cars in their relationship to primary and secondary safety. Primary safety is the capability to avoid hazards. For example, a vehicle with better brakes has better primary safety. Secondary safety is being able to survive accidents. For example, large heavy cars have better secondary safety than pedal cycles. Motorcycles naturally have better primary safety than cars: they can escape through smaller gaps; have better acceleration; have better control ergonomics give effectively faster reactions; have fewer blind spots; the higher head position gives a better view of traffic in all directions; they can move around more to exploit different views. But motorcycles naturally have worse secondary safety than cars.

Now for the philosophy. The attitude of drivers/riders towards safety ranges between two extremes. On the one extreme we have the active in-control person who trusts his wits and skill to avoid accidents. This kind of person wants the best possible primary safety to give the greatest possible scope to his wits and skill. On the other extreme we have the passive victim person who thinks that there is no way to avoid other idiots having accidents involving him, and so wants the best possible secondary safety in order to best survive the inevitable accidents.

The passive victim type will want to drive the largest heaviest most crash-proof car they can get their hands on.

The active in-control type will want a vehicle with the best performance. In cars this is some kind of sports car. The extreme is a motorcycle.

Thus, comparing cars with motorcycles, bikes are naturally suited to the active in-control type who prefers primary safety, whereas cars are better suited to the passive victim type who can't avoid accidents.

So what about loud pipes? The argument in favour of loud pipes is that because you can't avoid all the idiots out there, you are better off making a loud noise to force them to notice you. This is the secondary safety view. The question of why YOU haven't noticed THEM does not occur to this kind of person. This philosophy contradicts the nature of motorcycles, which excel at primary safety at the expense of secondary. We would therefore expect these people (who advocate loud pipes) also to prefer their bikes to lean in other ways towards the secondary safety philosophy. For example, they will be likely to choose motorcycles with unusually low riding positions, motorcycles which are unusually heavily built, motorcycles with poor brakes, cornering, and acceleration.

Is this what we find in practice? Yes -- the loud pipes brigade has an unusually large proportion of Harley owners.

These people are philosophically ill-suited to motorcycling. They would be much better off in motor cars. In fact, if you look at the riding position on a chopped Harley you will notice that it is the same position of body as a car driver... feet forward, leaning back, hands up in front. And we also find that the Harley-owning loud pipes brigade rapidly stop riding their bikes as they get older, and take to driving around in pick-ups with the bike in the back.

Maybe we should get philosophical therapy to these confused people at. If you have a friend or neighbour who suffers from the loud-pipes syndrome, suggest he gets in touch with a therapist to progress the patients through this distressing and dangerous phase of philosophical paradox and get them safely ensconced in large heavy cars where they naturally belong.

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge (With a very quiet Motorcycle ;o) )
I BLOG There4 I Am

Been tagged!!!

2007-03-27T06:53:00.000+01:00

I've been tagged....

No not electronically, though maybe that wouldn't be a bad idea. No, 'Tagged' by another Blogger... (In the Blogging world that means, a fellow Blogger who finds themselves to bored with life to do anything remotely constructive, publishes a list of answers to miscellaneous questions on their own Blog, and then for the privilege of reading their answers you have to publish your own answers to the same questions on your own Blog... It's like a chain letter in cyberspace!)

Anyways, thanks Gem ;o) (She's the one that tagged me!) So here goes...

I have to list five things about me that I haven't ever revealed in my blog. Here are the rules: 1. Get tagged 2. List five things that have not been revealed on your blog 3. Tag five others. (Ummm I'm not cruel enough to do that though... IT STOPS HERE!!! ;o) )

1. My Favourite song of all time is Jeff Buckley Hallelujah... (Lyrics)

2. My First love was Vicki RB, she broke my heart, I was only 10, she left me for a right Jock... (A few years later I beat him up, it felt so so good :o) )

3. I don't believe in 'faith' in God(s). People who have 'faith' lack 'faith' in themselves and others. Religious 'Faith' breeds contempt, elitism and inter-cultural mis-understanding. It's just a form of controlling the masses FFS, get a grip!. (OK Off soap box now... ;o) )

4. I'm a true socialist... We'll so long as it doesn't cost me to much in taxes ;o)

5. My Favourite Country I've ever visited is New Zealand... Gods Own Country :o) (See 'Faith' above ;o) ). (Ummm... OK so I might of mentioned that before on this Blog... If I have a Bonus answer then, I 'Dress' to the right ;O)

There you go... (Ohhh Love, Religion (hey Forgive me!;o) ), and Politics...)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I AM

YouTube Vader...

2007-03-26T07:15:00.000+01:00

Gotta be the funniest thing I've seen on UTube...

Take it aways Vader.... Episode 1.... NEEDS SOUNDS :o)

And theres more!!! Episode 2

(Apparently theres another 6... so if your desperate enough, nip over to UTube...)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

A Guide To Zen

2007-03-26T06:50:00.000+01:00

Just a quick guide for all you out there today that need a refreshing look at life, this with the Aid of a few simple Zen Rules...

Hey, I thought some of them were quite amusing :o)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

I'm losing my religion...

2007-03-21T23:04:00.000Z

"No trace of slavery ought to mix with the studies of the freeborn man" - Plato (Wise man old Plato!)

"We don't encourage drinking"... They were the almost the first words spoken to me after checking into my hotel for a weeks training course. My retort, sharp, quick and I believed reasonably witty wasn't well received... "Trust me, I don't need any encouragement"... no, this quick quip was just returned with a stern look of disdain.

From that point onwards it commenced... I started losing my religion... Humour...

My new job brings a new opportunities and some very expensive training is also required... Ummm... OK, so I'll loosely call it training for the moment, but after surviving the first four days at the 'Training Camp' it's beginning to feel more like rehab! There is a bar of course, but that's located half a mile away in the main Hotel building, and by the time I've managed to cram thirteen hours of classroom study in per day and then finish the evening off with a few hours homework, forgive me if I don't really feel like taking a stroll, to be honest conjuring up the energy to crawl to the bathroom for a pee seems somewhat of a miracle!

So virtually forced rehab it is, Mr Robbie Williams I salute you, now I understand what it is you going through (Detox, easy life you want to try being educated simultaneously!). OK so this might not be the Priory, but it's a pretty close run thing... Partly because the building I never leave, where I live, breath, learn, eat and sleep 24/7 was for a considerable length of time before being utilised as a educational concentration camp, a convent! (Now this figures, this is all gods doing! OK your gracious holy dudeness, I'm sorry, whatever it is I've done to piss you off in this life or any of my others previously I take it all back. His sense of irony isn't lost on me, but this is just taking it way to far!)

OK so maybe it's just me, being honest I'm know I'm not as young as I used to be, and twenty years of a more than decedent lifestyle might well of eroded more than just a few of my limited brain cells (What I like Guinness!). And of course the task in hand, that is of learning, is made even more difficult personally as I have no clear recollection to the last time in my life I actually sustained any form of such intense education, it might well of been my 100metres free style swimming test when I was aged 10!

There are a few upsides off course. The fact that my new employer is paying for this very expensive (well its Microsoft!), course is one of them, but this luxury pales into insignificance compared to the free; all you can eat; constant; virtually intravenous supply of chocolate! (Yes ladies, you did read that right, an endless supply of free chocolate!), and I can't remember finding a Gold Ticket anywhere!

But no amount of chocolate can substitute for a few wee Tots at the end of an evening, that and add to the scenario that for an Ex-convent there's appears distinct lack of any "eye-candy" around here to distract (unfortunitly almost all Tecky's tend to be male, and those that aren't usually look like hermaphrodites!), things are desperate, and I'm far to old to find my calling now, the monastic life is not for me!

But the end is in sight, exams Saturday, and as the first British "Home Run" solider to escape Colditz during WWII, Airey Neave said, before the INLA decided this Hero was a suitable target in the 70's to be killed in a car bomb attack by cowards, "I learnt that the escaper must have absolute confidence in his success"... I will pass, I will pass, I will escape!

Wish me luck folks :o) And if anyone can find any humour in OLAP Cubes please email me fast, because "That's me in the corner"!!!

"Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten" - B.Skinner.

Ciao Ciao
The Cooler King ;o)
Confined to Deepest Darkest Oxfordshire Somewhere
I Blog There4 I Am

[NB. Added 22/03/07 (To Late to stop the torrent of email abuse!!!) "unfortunitly almost all Tecky's tend to be male, and those that aren't usually look like hermaphrodites" F**k... Sorry C, you know I think your more Sandra Bullock than hermaphrodite :o) ]

Eloisa in St.Ives :o)

2007-03-13T22:55:00.001Z

OK Boys and Girls... Are you sitting comfortably? Good then I'll begin...

For all you Folks back home that don't believe how long, straight and sometimes boring the Roads around my new home town of St.Ives and Cambridgeshire in general can be, heres a quick Video of Eloisa enjoying a blast around in the sunshine last weekend :o)

Link Here... YouTube

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

Fun In a Ford :o)

2007-03-03T19:41:00.000Z

Veni...

Vidi...

Vici... :o)

And the upside of living in Cambridgeshire, there seem to be a very prevalent amount of very large Fords about :o)

OK lets see all you Girls and Boys with racing bikes, tourers or Harely's try that one! ;o)

Having Fun :o)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridgeshire
I BLOG There4 I Am

Did I mention before this Motorcycle gig is Expensive..?

2007-02-27T07:03:00.000Z

Eloisa needs some new Tires (or Tyres depending on where you're located on the globe, either way they're big round black rubber things which hopefully are the only items on your motorcycle that make contact with the road surface, if they're not you've either got something very loosely connected or even worse; you're screaming very loudly at this moment and reading this little advice is probably to late!). So after a little research and a bit of a Pow Wow with all the Top Boys and Girls on the XRV.ORG a specific brand and type of booty was selected for her ladyship to shod, along with new Brake Pads front and rear (these are the things that stop you before your end up 'screaming very loudly' (see above), and therefore of uppermost importance), and a new heavy duty chain and sproket set.

Oh and did I mention I needed my carbs balanced (I've got know idea at all what that is, just Biking Lingo for something that envloves a slightly higher degree of skill than I currently posses, though I'm told by everyone that knows how to do it that its very easy, isn't that always the way! ;o) )

And wouldn't you beleive it, just a few weeks before I have to leave Chichester and move to sunny, windy and very very flat Cambridgeshire (The biggest advantage about Cambridgeshire I've found so far is that most of their speed cameras are forward facing!!! Yippee :o)))) (For you non-bikers out there, motorcycles don't display registration plates at the front, hence the happiness!)), I find a Tame Ex-Honda Motorcycle mechanic just up the road from me to do all the work at a more than reasonable price, fantastic :o) He only charged me a few hours labour ontop of the parts prices, that and he managed to greese and lubricate almost everything on Elosia while he was there (I'm never ever gonna find a Guy like that again, he loved her to peices!).

Anyways, no exact figures here, but that lot aint cheap, worth it admitedly, shes running just peachy, well almost, it's now confirmed that my steering head bearings are on there way out... Ummm again I have no idea what that means, but it does sound serious doesn't it!

But hey on the upside, for my Birthday I bought her lots of nice things, a new Tank Bag, some new standy up on things, a mesh headlight protector, a new touring screen, a new battery and various other little bits. That, and I had to spend almost £500 on getting her an Alarm fitted because the new abode doesn't have a garage! But then again, she has also had a very nice freebie :o) My 'Olds' and other members of my family donated some cash over Christmas and the 'Getting even older' period and purchased me a Personalised Index for her "A7 XRV"... ('XRV' is the Bike Model, its short for Africa Twin!)... The full current Modification list to Eloisa is here!

So about this Lottery win? ;o)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridgeshire
I BLOG There4 I Am

PS. I'll sort out a Cambridge/St.Ives/New Job/New Flat Blog entry soon, I promise!

The Dogs...

2007-02-14T08:45:00.000Z

Now I know I've said this kinda thing before, but trust me on this people... This link is the Absolute Buisness... So So Funny I just had to share with all you lot..

Turn your sound on and check it out... HERE... How to get rid of those annoying Telesales phone calls :o)

Thanx C :o)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I Blog There4 I Am

I'm still alive...

2007-02-12T07:16:00.000Z

I'm still here, just a tad busy...

That and I still haven't sorted my Net connection from home....!

Hope your all cool in the Blogosphere :o)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

This Week

2007-01-30T12:19:00.000Z

OK this week then...

Old Job left, don't start the new one until next Monday, a week of R&R you'd think then?

NO!!! To much to do, got pack and load up a van, drive up to the new abode, reverse the operation, then assemble all the Ikea furniture! Oh Joy!

Squeezing into this time frame a Bike Service and various other small jobs that seem to never end...!

Ummm... Think I'm starting the new job for a rest!

Ciao Ciao
Confused from Chichester & Cambridge
I BLOG There4 I Am

4000 Days...

2007-01-26T08:23:00.000Z

After 4000 days of working for the same Company, this is my last...

This is the point at which I cut loose, break away and try something new, and along with starting a new job I'm also moving to a new city, a complete change from everything I know...

This quote comes to mind... (Obviously from the best and my favourite TV Program ever, Northern Exposure :o) )

"I don't think you can measure life in terms of years. I think longevity doesn't necessarily have anything to do with happiness. I mean happiness comes from facing challenges and going out on a limb and taking risks. If you're not willing to take a risk for something you really care about, you might as well be dead."

Ciao Ciao
Confused from Chichester (Soon to be Cambridge)
I BLOG There4 I Am

Praha - City of a Hundred Spires

2007-01-23T23:57:00.000Z

Prague then, odd place, not that you couldn't possibly dislike it. Rich with Medieval and Gothic architecture, all immaculately preserved, being as it was one of the few places that escaped heavy bombing during the second world war.

So why odd? Well maybe because of my pre-conceptions. The only prior knowledge of the City I had was the recollections of the uprisings against soviet occupation, an event celebrated by the West, but one largely the Czech themselves would rather forget, it was a blood bath, the occupiers sought their vengeance afterwards and did so in a brutal massive scale without mercy.

Then there's the modern image of Prague, along with Dublin as the 'In' place for a good prenuptial 'Piss Up'. This had stereo typed my pre image of the city to be no more than a cheaper and more tacky Amsterdam clone (Not that I've got anything against Dam, for what it is, a cosmopolitan, liberal and an artistic cultural city, its has no equals).

Also my experiences of ex-Soviet cities I've visited before aren't exactly great. My memories are of concrete oblivions and their mass housing for the workers. And to be honest the outskirts of Prague as you approach from the airport are just like this. Faceless concrete tenements, built only yards apart from each other, all arranged for practical reasons, with aesthetics definitely not being a consideration. With wide roads and trams acting as archeries to move the mass populous to and from there soul set purposes in the commune (Trust me though this was no where near as bad as Sofia, where communist rule had designed mass 'Existence' into a near perfect form).

But Prague city center in fact was beautiful. Maybe even to beautiful, somehow feeling to perfect, like Bruge on steroids. The frontage as you would expect of many of theses buildings has now been monopolies by the 21st century, casinos, bars, clubs, restaurants, some fitted out in a harmonious fashion, others by glitz, glamour and neon flashes, alluring for those looking for more obvious stimulation.

The Old Town however with wide open squares surrounded by small inquisitive streets you feel compelled to explore, lent itself completely though to what is one of my favorite holiday past times, people watching. With copious quantities of coffee to obscure your true intent, the Cafe Culture was very prevalent and what more of an excuse could one need to kick back, chill, and watch the world go by? Exactly :o)

Prague then? Be prepared to be surprised by it, it can offer almost anything you want from a short city break, well worth a visit :o)

Ciao Ciao
Confused from Chichester
I BLOG There4 I Am

Where do you wanna go?

2007-01-18T15:15:00.000Z

OK Its Tuesday Night, planning a little trip to Paris for my Birthday (18th, today, in case you've all forgot!)... I'd researched the details last last week, but when I went to book it bloody Eurostar had doubled the Price! Now out of principle I'm not going there and I want to leave in the morning!

Let the Expedia Search begin!

After a good few frantic hours (who said the Internet was meant to make life easy!), a choice of offerings had been shortlisted, most of which are previously visited places, but something new was needed this time, the Czech Republic and Prague.

Just on the very edge of booking and I remembered I needed to get to the chemist first thing before flying, bugger, I'm not gonna make that 11am flight. No big deal though, a quick change to a later flight and we're sorted :o)

Wednesday Morning, packed, chemist visited and provisions acquired, it's off to the airport, yippee, holiday :o)

OK OK so it was my fault, when I'd changed the flight times I hadn't realised that Expedia had changed the departure airport to! F**K (Anyones natural response when your told by the check in Trolley Dolly your not booked to depart from that particular airport!)...

Ohhh No!!!! Start Running!!!! 38 miles Gatwick to Heathrow, 25 minuets (In the Car!!!), not bad by anyones standards for the M25 :o) Enough Time anyways :o) Check in successful :o)

But this might just be the start of the misfortune, on arriving in Prague they refused to let anyone off the plane for an hour because of a Bomb scare in the terminal (An additional hour without Nicoteen!), top that off with the fact my mobile phone cant connect to any service provider here, I know its just gonna be one of those holidays! ;o)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From The Czech Republic
I BLOG There4 I Am

Happy Birthday To ME :O)))))

Buono, il brutto, il cattivo, Il ???

2007-01-08T06:44:00.000Z

Another Motorbike Post.... Blah Blah Blah.... (Sorry!)

I recently wrote a Blog entry slating a certain motorcycle parts supplier (WeMoto), for what in my opinion was a complete farce in the delivery of a small order I'd placed. These comments subsequently found there way to a little debate on the XRV Motorbike forum, where it was argued that in fact, most people in part have received nothing but excellent service from them.

Now you could argue a good case that because I wasn't hounding them 24/7 and informing them of my dissatisfaction with their service levels, I might be to blame for receiving a less than 100% satisfactory service. You could argue that, and maybe your right to do so, but essentially I tend not to use this approach (maybe this is an Americanism), but I always vote with my wallet. If I'm not 100% satisfied with the service I just don't use them again, I lose short term, they lose long term, "Cash is King".

Well, unbeknown to me, somehow (And I'm guessing a little birdie at the XRV Org. snitched ;o) ), the Guys at WeMoto were alerted to my Blog entry, and just before Christmas, in the post arrived the balance of my order... Not only that but also Gratis, a complete 'Tubeless'* tyre repair kit and a little apologetic note for messing my order up.(*Eloisa uses Tubes!)

Ummm... Do I have to eat humble pie maybe? It would definitely appear that all the people on the Forum were right, these guys did care and they did try to rectify the position, when they were notified a problem existed. Maybe I'm just getting to cynical, in these days of mass consumer demand, I've become so accustomed to suppliers and shops trying to 'shaft' me one way or another I assume everyones trying to. This was a nice gesture from them, not expected nor required, just an honest gesture of apology. (Obviosuly that I hate, because now they've made me feel guilty because I might have been to hard on them... B'stards ;o) )

So there you have it... The Guys at WeMoto are fantastic, I'm a complete Tit and they will be recieving all my future motorcycle part orders... (And aswell as returning to my Christmas card List, I'm also nominating them for a Nobel Peace Prize!!! ;o) )

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Chichester
I BLOG There4 I Am

'006

2006-12-27T08:10:00.000Z

It's been a funny old year... In Lots of ways... Maybe the most significantly life changing one of my adult years to date...

There's been some good moments, but alas my memories of 2006 will be dominated by more than a fair share of hard and sad ones...

And so it's with a new perspective I must look to 2007. A chance to start and rebuild what I believed I already knew about myself and subsequently found to be false, and a chance again to look to the future again positively and with an enlightened vision.

Thanks to each and every one of you that have been there to support me these last 12 months (you know who you are). For your kind words, kind thoughts (not to mention vast quantities of Guinness), and although it might not seem like it at time, I do appreciate one and all of you, thanks.

So, time not to be maudlin about the past, but instead to look to the future... To seize new opportuniy, take risks again with life and with others.

"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves." - Bill Vaughan

Happy New Boyz and Girls, and thanks, hope you all have good ones and the new year brings not everything you want, but everything you need :o)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Chicehster
I Blog There4 I Am

Role on '007 :o)

Change... Update...

2006-12-21T09:12:00.000Z

I have been neglecting my BLOG... I'm going straight to hell I know... ;o)

Needless to say, things are a foot in my World...

Change has brought about distraction from posting, partly because I'm pre-occupied, but mainly because unusually I couldn't think of what to write, nothing was determined in my life, no direction, just confusion...

What's happened... Well, the Company I've worked for the last 11 years has gone into Administration... (Which means its still running, but they're attempting to sell it, if they fail to sell the business or part of it, the Company will close completely...) Not the best Christmas news by any stretch of the imagination...

But, one door shuts, another opens as they say... Champaign and Strawberry garden parties on the banks of the river Cam are a distinct possibility for the future :o)

"Change in Life is inevitable, accept from vending machines" ;o)

So all that's left to say, in case I don't manage another post before the Jesus's Birthday, is Happy Chrismo everyone... :o) Have a good one you lot... :o)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Chichester
I BLOG There4 I Am

Close your Eyes and Tap your Heels 3 Times!

2006-12-06T06:30:00.000Z

I've recently been inducted into another world... The world of the fifth dimension! It's a dimension as vast as my credit card limits and as timeless as infinity. It's the middle ground between work and sleep, between science and a Haynes Manual, and it lies between the pit of my fears and the summit of my very limited knowledge. This is the dimension of grease and bruised knuckles. It's the area called the "Oily Zone"... OZ!

Question...? How is possible to make what would seemingly appear a very simple two hour task take fifteen hours to complete? Options:

a) Ask an accountant for something extremely straightforward
or
b) Give me some tools and ask me to service my motorbike

Well, when I say tools I mean after numerous trips to Halfrauds to buy the correct items needed to start the process. It does appear that my previous life philosophy; "the only tool a man could possibly need in his entire life is a big trusty Hammer" isn't quite applicable for motorbike maintenance (a whole plethora of smaller hammers are also required!).

Yep, as the master plan is to take Eloisa round the world, there is a necessity for me to learn how to service her and keep her all ship shape and Bristol fashion during the voyage (apparently there are a distinct lack of Honda motorcycle dealers anywhere in Tibet or Nepal etc. to do it for me). This is something that those who know me will share my trepidation at. Prior to this, the extremes of my personal mechanical skills stretched to adding screen wash to the car, or very occasionally; twice to my recollection; toping up the oil (I usually spend at least ten minuets trying to remember where the bloody boot release lever is!). And now I have to learn how to strip down, service and rebuild a motorbike, and yes I am just a little apprehensive.

Now obviously to start with a certain degree of research is required, a bit like reading a Lonely Planet before entering a strange country, or swotting up on useful foreign phrases, I had to start by learning the correct terminology for various parts ("sticky out bit" isn't in the Haynes manual index anywhere, I know; I checked!), so to start my induction into 'OZ' the Microfesh's for Eloisa were downloaded. These have lots of numbered pretty pictures and a full index, so even I can just about manage to identify parts correctly. This is useful as I've found actually knowing what something is really called and roughly where it is located is of great benefit when reading the service manual, and it has the added bonus of allowing me to buy replacement parts without appearing like a complete buffoon.

And I must add, walking into a motorcycle dealer and quoting a correct part number does add a certain amount of Kudos to the cultivation of my new hardened biker image, well as long as they don't ask any questions back that is.

"Do you want the short armed coated Teflon super duper Tri Axe or the Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah one?"
"Ohhh you choose" (My attempt to Blag it!)
"Well that all depends on what Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah your running because it won't fit otherwise!"
"Ummmm..." (End of Blag, I'm now completely Buggered!)

After acquiring all the parts required for the mini service, which incidentally took weeks to arrive, as one nameless online supplier obviously decided it would be amusing to despatch my very small order in four separate staggered deliveries spaced days apart in a malicious attempt purely to piss me off (OK OK the supplier was WeMoto), it was time to devote a whole Saturday to the task in hand. And so with enthusiasm, naivety and disposable surgical gloves on hand I commenced. (Yes I need Gloves! Oil!!! Ahhh... I'm melting, I'm melting!!!)

Now, I'm not going to bore anyone further with the greasy OZ details, but needless to say my baptism didn't all go to plan! The Haynes manual grades each tasks level of difficulty with one to five spanners, one being easy peasy. I attempted a few one spanner jobs and a couple of two's. Well that was until a one spanner job went horrifically wrong and I had undertake a ten spanner job to try and recify it.. (OK so it was only a three spanners fix but it felt like a ten spanner!).

After hours and hours of cussing, bloodied limbs and frustration the jobs I chosen to undertake eventually came to fruition and the ultimate test of how well I'd understood just what I was doing had arrived, would Eloisa restart? A tall order I believed, as at one point most of the bikes fuel system and radiators were scattered around the garage in various piles! So with baited breath the moment of truth was here...

Yippee, she fired up on her first attempt... :o)))

And even more impressively, as well as not having any bolts, bits or screws left over after completing the reassembly, but also her performance has increased and she running a lot smoother... Releaf, and after a week not being able to ride her, a good long hard fast ride was required :o)

Ohhh... Big thanx to all the Guys and Girls at the XRV.ORG for holding my hand throughout, thanx :o)

I don't think I'm in Kansas anymore!

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Chichester
I BLOG There4 I Am

What Make Suicide Bombers Tick? ;o)

2006-12-01T07:22:00.000Z

OK I know, cheap gag ;o)

But while I'm on the subject I did laugh last night at the BBC News at 10. Apparently their POD broadcast included an interview with Hamas's oldest Suicide Bomber.

Ummm... Obviously I instantly wondered how many times he'd failed in this task prior to achieving the ripe old age of 64! (OK so maybe it's just me that thought it was amusing :o) )

Have a good weekend folks :o)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Chichester
I BLOG There4 I Am

Change...

2006-11-30T06:55:00.000Z

"Desire nothing, Chafe not at fate, nor at Nature's changeless laws. But struggle only with the personal, the transitory, the evanescent and the perishable." - Hahn Blavatsky

Life changes... Things move on... Usually for the better... (I hope)...
And as Ellen G said "The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions." ;o)

The Story has just begun....

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Chichester
I BLOG There4 I Am

Yesterday... Well sort of... :o)

2006-11-20T09:27:00.000Z

OK it's Monday...

And I'm aware a few of my friends have the 'Monday Work Blues'...

So whates needed is a little Sing Song I recon...

Here we go then, to the tune of the classic Beatles track 'Yesterday'...

Leprosy,
What a sorry mess I am to see.
Even friends can't stand to look at me.
Oh, I despise
My leprosy.

Gradually,
I'm not half the man I used to be.
Pieces keep on falling off of me.
It happens now
So gradually.

When my tongue fell off,
I don't know, I couldn't say.
I said, [garbled] "zump ping wong".
Now I long for that sweet day
When I had no

Leprosy.
Making with me could never be.
Yes, I've lost my chance for ecstasy.
Oh I despise
My leprosy.

Cheer up you lot, I know it's Monday but hey :o)

Ciao Ciao
Confused from Chichester
I BLOG There4 I AM

Drink Driving...

2006-11-17T06:38:00.000Z

Friday fravolity... :o)

THIS is absolutely brilliant!!! Something only an Aussie could pull off!

From the state where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said; "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

True story...

Happy weekend folks...

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Chichester
I BLOG There4 I Am

Footprints

2006-11-15T06:06:00.000Z

A very poignant photograph of Caribbean shores. A photograph taken by a simple man who simply enjoyed life, who unfortunately died this weekend.

I'm sure there will be many instances in my life when something triggers my mind to remember with great fondness the 'Footprints' he's left in my memory. Times which more often than not involved copious quantities of alcohol, good food and a lot of laughter (the laughter usually emanating from us all, either at him or with him, as he recanted one of his very long yarns. Talk? He could talk for his Country :o) ).

Rest in peace Bob, to me you will always be one of life's few genuine 'Old School' good guys.

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Chichester
I Blog There4 I Am

BMW Drivers

2006-11-09T06:45:00.000Z

I hate BMW Drivers...

[Please excuse the Bad language from this post... It is required!]
Now we all know that Indicators are an optional extra on BMW's. An option usually not taken up by the owner at the time of purchase, just an expensive un-used addition to the vehicle, no?

But I hate BWM drivers not only for that, but because they are a bunch of arrogant w**kers who tend to believe that because they can afford to spend a small fortune (Yep, you've been robbed, the Audis better and a lot cheaper!!!), on a car then, then that automatically excludes them from having to obey any of the rules of the road, why should they? They believe they own it!

My case in point. Last night travelling along a reasonably straight and wide road I approached a side turning at about 55mph... A nice shinny 5 series BWM pulled up to the line to turn across me, he stopped, looked, waited for a couple of seconds for me to get within 20yards of him, then floored his car and pulled straight out in front of me to join the opposite carriageway.

Now, usually when faced with a situation like this I have a tendency to "See Red"... Normally I would accelerate, probably aim straight for his passenger door in attempt to "T-Bone" the w**ker or at least let him deposit a whole heap of smelly fear into underwear. (Going on the philosophy at 60mph me hitting his off side door would make him just slightly more aware of other traffic using "His" road, remembering of course the trick to playing chicken is knowing when to flinch!)

Unfortunately, but fortunately for him I'm guessing, I wasn't in the car, I was on the Bike and a slightly different perception of the events unfolded...

"Shiiiiitttttt"... [Now emergency stopping, is that 75% front and 25% rear brake? F**k knows, hit everything!] I managed with only inches to spare to ride around the rear end of his vehicle, it was close though, to close.

Now I know what your thinking, I'm on a motorbike so he didn't see me. We'll NO! He saw me, I know he saw me because I could see him looking straight at me pondering before he pulled out, that and no-one facing my bike misses it, standing over 6 foot high with me sitting on it with dual headlights and twin side spot light glowing, shes like the Blackpool illuminations to look at from the front.

Nope, he was just driving like a BWM driver, a complete w**ker that nearly resulted in my death... Tosser!!! Are you getting the Vibe here? I wasn't that impressed?

NB. In multiple vehicle accidents involving motorcycles, the driver of the car in over two thirds of all incidents violates the motorcyclist's right of way. [I bet most of them drive BMW's!]

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Chichester
I Blog There4 I Am

Enduro Riding... Not!

2006-11-06T17:51:00.000Z

What a beautiful weekend. The old 'Currant Bun' was shinning, not a cloud in the sky to be seen and temperatures in the teens, well during the daylight hours (makes you ponder the question doesn't it, "Global Warming, is it all bad?" It's November it's meant to be snowing!). So what more of an excuse did I need to take Eloisa out for a blast? (OK OK, I know already, another boring motorbike post, but I'll try and make it a wee bit exciting for you and throw in the odd encounter with UFO's or something).

So Saturday arrives, previous plans for the weekend had been scraped at the last minuet, so what to do? Ummm... Suppose I could get on me bike and go for a little ride, after all the bike needs testing as much as possible before the 'Big Trip' and also I need as much experience riding her (I know, weak, but what the hell...). So with the bike fully loaded, including a mad volunteer riding pillion (thanx to the fearless 'suicidal tendencies' of Gemmak for that one ;o)), off we go.

300+ miles and 7 hours later we park up, Trebarwith Strand in Cornwall, somewhere I'd never been before, but had previously been reliably informed by Gem was well worth a visit, it was, she was right, not that I was really in any state to appreciate the stunning views. Two pints of 'G', a bit of tucker and I was wasted, where's my comfy bed!

Sunday, the reverse, back via the motorways though this time, we'd ridden down on the slow but very scenic A35/A30 coast roads, so it was time to give the bike a good 'Airing' on the fast bits. All weekend she behaved with impeccable manners, unlike me after a couple of pints of Guinness :o)

OK I admit it, after nearly 700 miles in 2 days I was shattered, another early night was required Sunday, this long distance riding takes stamina, I need more practice! ;o)

Anyway, that's about my weekend :o) (I'll tell you about the UFO and alian encounter another time :o) )

Ciao Ciao
Confused from Chichester
I Blog There4 I Am

Friday... Again?... Wow!

2006-11-03T17:40:00.000Z

So Friday has come around again...

And that means the weekend is nearly upon us and it's nearly time to play :o) The temperature might be low, but the roads are dry and I'm turning into a motorcycle bore...

Today's highlight so far has been paying a parking ticket online... Quote my local council web site... "Would you like to add this to your basket"... Say what? Made me laugh... I'm sure what they really meant to say was, "Would you like us to confiscate some your hard earnt cash to help subsidise your local lazy, good for nothing, civil servants, that wouldn't know a hard days work if it jumped out a bit them on the ar*e"...." !!!

NB. "We've automated this service to allow you to pay online so we can spend more time down the pub at Lunch times." !!!

Hope your weekend is fine and dandy folks, have fun :o)

Ciao 4 Now
Confused from Chichester
I Blog There4 I Am

Eloisa

2006-10-29T20:15:00.000Z

"Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity." - Darrell Royal

I'd decided a month or so ago which Motorbike I wanted to use for the 'Big Trip', decided, then subsequently had many moments of self doubt in my selection afterwards. Should I choose a newer design of bike, or one more suited to Tarmac touring, or maybe even the reverse, a bike designed for more off road use. The decisions and all the possible variables, pros and cons where playing on my mind for what seemed like an eternity. Sleepless nights, eveings spent on costing exercises for both the massive expense on preparing the chosen bike for the trip and the running costs when it was underway. Considerable time was also spent reading reviews , books and various web resources trying to assimilate as much knowledge as possible to confirm my previous conclusions. I wanted the cheapest, most reliable bike capable of making the trip without disintegrating.

The Africa Twin had always been my first choice, the whole concept of it's simplistic 'Tractor' like mechanics; as opposed to modern computer controlled 'Fly-By-Wire' machines and it's heavy duty go anywhere rugged ability really appeals to me. The AT (Africa Twin) is the 'Landrover' of the motorbike world, not the easiest to ride, not the most comfortable, not the lightest, not the quickest, but the one most likely to cross the finish line intact after any very long distance endurance trip, with the least attention spent keeping her going. But while scouring the used bikes available (Honda stopped production of the Africa in 2003), visiting a few dealers and seeing a few bikes they all left me un-inspired, something was missing, something saying "Buy Me"! This only added to my self doubt about the selection and in desperation at one point I even visited a BMW showroom to view their offerings!

Then last week I found her. She'd been put onto Ebay earlier that morning, a 2001 model, low mileage; semi-spec'd up for Enduro Adventure Touring, but most importantly, after looking at the pictures repeatedly, she gave me the impression that she might be 'The One'.

I made some calls to the seller asking for further information and more pictures and we agreed a rough price to take her off Ebay if I wanted to travel the 200 miles up to view her and make the purchase there and then. Things were looking good, to good; this couldn't really be happening to me, I'm not usually this lucky.

Tucked away in the corner of a Honda showroom early the following Saturday morning, after a sleepless nite and a very early start I first got to see her, she looked totally awesome. The dealer wheeled her out for my appraisal, but I knew before even sitting on her that I was going to buy her. I had that reaction you get when something just feels right, and when I got to play with her on the forecourt that reaction just strengthened, everything about her just felt right. Her previous owner had dubbed her 'Bertha', which I conclude was derived from the impossing extra large after market 43Ltr fuel tank that had been fitted to her, 'Big Bertha', but this really wasn't a suitable name for such a beautiful bike, she really is the 'Eloisa'.

The ride home was just as inspiring, heavy rain, high winds and the M25 to contend with, none of which made any difference. It seemed like Eloisa and I just fit, I just love riding her, it feels like were growing into one another. My confidence is growing on her and as it does I'm enjoying riding her even more.

It's always the way though isn't it, maybe a lesson I should of learned years ago, the lesson not to question your 'Gut Reaction'. My gut reaction was always to buy an Africa Twin for the trip (Obviously rightly or wrongly I can't conclude until the tours over), but what the hell was I worrying about all that time? It didn't matter; the only thing that mattered was that she was in the right colour, black!

Ciao Ciao
Are We There Yet
I BLOG There4 I Am