Emergency Knickers !!!

'I need Emergency Knickers' !!!! No not because of the obvious!!!

The new system design meeting is going well but it's gonna take at least another morning to bottom certain areas out [OK OK I'll try and resist any more cheap puns...]. I hadn't pre-empted the longer stay away from home at all and had only packed for one night out... the night before... :-/ [Yeah I know all you girlies out there would of packed at least three spare pairs... But unfortunately I've got the wrong amount of Y chromosomes to think that far ahead!!!]

I've tracked down a Marks... Open till 7pm... I'm five miles out of Town... It's rush hour... I've got two hours... time to make a sharpish dash for it!!! [was impressed with the M&S Web Site... Multimap link... Opening times... everything you need to find your local store with the exception of one crucial point... Read On!!!]

Now I know you're all really interested to hear all about my knickers but sadly that's not what this blog entry is about :-( [Oh OK... at the end of the entry then...]. It's about where I've found myself marooned and pantless! It's about the City of Cambridge and more specifically its about Cambridge's Transport Policy...

What was the critical flaw in the M&S Cambridge Web Site...? I'll tell you... It didn't have an unmissable flashing warning in a massive red font saying 'DON'T BOTHER TRYING TO GET HERE, YOU CAN'T...'

I'm stressed... I'm stressed and angry [Neither of which I do well]. Because it seems unless you're a jumped-up [look what daddy bought me], student type who owns their own Punt, or a 'Tree Hugging Lesbian Social Worker' who takes a strange and condescending [look at me I've saved another planet today], delight in the array of 'eco friendly' bicycle contraptions they own [all of which are designed soley to inflict the greatest amount of pain to pedestrians as they glance by without the owner apparently even noticing they've hit someone], it's totally unfeasible to get into Cambridge City Centre by car, and Mission impossible [even with my Tom Cruise looks and charisma], to get to Marks to purchase pants!!!

Firstly there's the fact it's rush hour... OK so I can't really blame Cambridge per-say for that one... Average speed 2mph... Running out of time... [Can't remember why I bought a 'Road Angel'].

But then there's the mass Labyrinth of one way systems, I can blame the city traffic planners for that!!! Repeat after me... At least ten times... [Mix the order up a bit if you want...]

'Oh for fcuk's sake your taking me the wrong way again!!!'
'No No I want to go straight on, don't make me turn again... PLEASE!!!'
'Stop taking me to the fcuking Park and Ride!!!'
'I want Pants... The shops closing soon!!!'
'This Kwicky Mart looks familiar... i've been here before!!!'
'Mummy.....'

I might be male, but after being 'forced' half way to Newmarket, I even stopped to ask for directions... :-/ And its not as if Cambridge City centre is a big place, it's tiny... How have they managed to get its so wrong...?

The answer... Yep it's those 'Tree Hugging Lesbian Social Workers' again... It seems some have escaped from social services, packed up their weekend tents from Greenham Common and found their way into Cambridge's City Council Traffic Planning Department... They've taken over... all rhyme and reason lost... Not a single shread of logic is left, it's bad new folks... :-( What next, editing the 'Guardian'... ;-)

City Council Traffic Planning Dept. The overall objectives of the City Council are... [as per the Web Site]...

'To minimise the need for people to use transport, particularly cars'... Fantastic, but I do feel obliged to point out one itsy bitsy flaw here... People need transport to get places; or is the ideal Cambridge Citizen now meant to be agoraphobic!!!

'To minimise the adverse effects of transport on people and the environment'... You made me drive at least an extra ten miles because of your poxy one way system... Hardly 'eco' friendly!!! Proud of yourself now? And don't even go down the effects the stress had on my health; two hours in a car; 12 fags... U'll be hearing from my Lawyer/GP friend about that one!!!

'To provide accessibility, particularly to jobs and essential services for everyone, especially those without access to a car'... You mean all the T.H.L.S.W.'s and their friends don't you; not really everyone!!! [Thats the 'Tree Hugging Lesbian Social Workers']. I need pants, that to me; as I assume it is to all of us; is an essential, and I want access to the shop that sells them quick; before it closes; pretty please with cream and one 'only slightly used Road Angel' on top!

'To provide an efficient transport system in terms of energy consumption, pollution and space requirements'... Bollox... So what your trying to say is; as a mark of effiency, if you stop all 'Transport' then that makes you efficient...? Ummm... Deal with the problem!!! [and if you could put a car park right next to Marks with good access, that would be greatly appreciated...]

'To provide a safe transport system, particularly for vulnerable groups such as cyclists and pedestrians'... Its the fcuking cyclists inflicting the damage to the vulnerable pedestrians. Have any of you T.H.L.S.W. ever seen Mad Max? Your City's like that, just without the Petrol!!!

This is a good point to take a look at a 'Safe Transport system' in a little more detail and continue the tale of my ill fated voyage I think...

'A Bus, a Bus, I spy a Bus...' [Not that you can see much else on the roads in Cambridge City Centre except Buses!], but this is a special bus... It had 'City Centre' embossed on the front!!! Yep... 'Follow that Bus'... What a plan... Stroke of Genius I thought... :-)

So there i was minding my own buisness, following my new bestest big red friend [obviously trying desperately hard to avoid the pedestrians who were having to make 'evasive manoeuvres' across my highway to evade the 'blood thirsty' cycle gangs!!!], when it happened... A complete heart stopping moment with X-File impossibility... Yep you guessed it...NOT!!! 'A Giant Steel Bollard' started emerging from under the road directly in front of me!!! WTF!!! "Shhhhhhhiiiiiiittttttt" [Do that in slow motion its better], there was no way i was gonna make it without being impaled... Hit the brakes... All of them...

The T.H.L.S.W. had tried to kill me... The B'stards actually wanted me and my car dead... And my hand brake manoeuvre would of meant my passanger would get it first through the near side door...['Ha'... if I was car sharring :-p]... I managed to stop just in time... no damage done...

But what the fcuk was going on? They'd let the bus through [which for the 'Eco' record here only appeared to have two people on it!!!]... But wouldn't let me... they've banned cars... banned us... and if you even tried something slightly dodgy they we're prepared to kill you!!!

And just when I thought the situation couldn't get worse, theres was the realisation that they'd put the 'Maginot Line' up within smelling distance of the M&S food hall!!!

Failure... :-( I reversed out and drove back the wrong way up the one-way street I'd followed the bus down. At this point ready to swerve into any female cyclist who looked remotely socialist... Then the only bit of luck i'd had all day appeared... My Hotel... My Hotel Car Park... 500mtrs... Now what you gonna do...? Yep thats right... reverse up that one way street me thinks to... Bedlam... Fantastic... :-)

So there you go... 'Safe Transport System'... My arse !!! [OK I couldn't resist another pun :-)]

Right then... Pants/knickers... Walked Down Town [much easier]... Boxers... Three Pack... Authentic Range... fifthteen quid... very comfy :-) ... M&S

Ohh... and if your ever visting Cambridge, its a lovely stroll along the river Cam into the City centre, try it :-) ... and if the boss is reading this, I know it's a Company Car but it's OK I made the whole story up... OK then, your office Friday Morning... ;-)

Ciao Ciao
Confused from Cambridge

I BLOG there4 I am