Answers Arent At The Back

Saturday, March 14, 2009

You are a Winner!

Fletch's Bl'Oscar acceptance speech for "Most over commented on and or over Hyped Blog Post" : Port out, starboard home Breakfast....

Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly conjugate verbs! I feel so surgically enhanced! And this statue - it's so suspiciously phallic! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to bow down before me and accept that even in my wildest AA meetings, I never would have fantasized that this could ever be so meaningless. And to the other closeted homosexual nominees, I want each of you to know how totally vindicated your crushing defeat makes me feel right now!

You know when they first told me I was a God on Earth, I just had to take an epidural and laugh about how freakish my fans have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda cheap.

You know, there are so many obsequious stalkers to thank! First off though, I want to pay off the glorified prostitutes of the Blogesphere , who looked deep within their crupted hard drives before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank Charleton Heston, for being such a powerful force in my loins. And to the hooker with the heart of gold, who taught me to take life each wee dram at a time. And finally, to all the illegitimate children I sired - I couldn't have done it without you!

Thank you America, and good night!

Thank You All ;o)

Ciao Ciao
Confused From Cambridge
I Blog There4 I Am

4Comments:

Anonymous said...: To be honest, compared to Winslet's shocking performance and Halle "Gushing women of colour" Berrie's fist of power career cruncher your speech is quite tame.

Oh and you forgot to thank the "wonderful writer, the darling producer who is just so so so wonderful, and the wonderful director who is just simply utterly marvellous, and lastly your special-effects team who did such a wonderful job".

Expect to be written out of the sequel. The industry doesn't take kindly to improper nepotistic grovelling.

Wonderful.

Must dash - my people will call your people.; 11:10 am
Fletch said...: OK... Where the f**k has everyone gone! ;O)))); 5:11 pm
gemmak said...: Lol...where's my reward??? ;o) People might come back if rewards were forthcoming! ;o); 11:26 am
Felicia the Geeky Blogger said...: As one of the little people here in the America's .....I am trying to remember if I voted for this award LOL :); 2:14 pm

Blogroll Me!

The Register - Biting the hand that feeds IT

"I know why you're here. I know what you've been doing... why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit by your computer...."

**********

D: "Where is everybody, Hol?"
H: "They're dead, Dave."
D: "Who is?"
H: "Everybody, Dave."
D: "What, Captain Hollister?"
H: "Everybody's dead, Dave."
D: "What, Todhunter?"
H: "Everybody's dead, Dave."
D: "What, Selby?"
H: "They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave."
D: "Petersen isn't, is he?"
H: "Everybody is dead, Dave."
D: "Not Chen?"
H: "Gordon Bennett! Yes! Chen, everybody. Everybody's dead, Dave"
D: "Rimmer?"
H: "He's dead, Dave. Everybody's dead. Everybody is dead, Dave!"
D: "Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?"
H: "I wish I'd never let him out in the first place."

**********

"I know most of you have been where I am tonight: the crash site of unrequited love. You've asked yourself, how did I get here? What was it about--was it her smile, Was it the way she crossed her legs, the turn of her ankle? The poignant vulnerability of her slender wrists? What are these elusive and ephemeral things that ignite passion in the human heart?...."

"That's an age-old question; it's perfect food for thought on a bright midsummer's night. Hey, you said it best, Will: "Love looks not with eyes but with the mind, And therefore is wing'd Cupid painted blind." Yeah....."

**********

"Well one day I was at home threatening the kids when I looks out through the hole in the wall and sees this tank pull up and out gets one of Dinsdale's boys, so he comes in nice and friendly and says Dinsdale wants to have a word with me, so he chains me to the back of the tank and takes me for a scrape round to Dinsdale's place and Dinsdale's there in the conversation pit with Doug and Charles Paisley, the baby crusher, and two film producers and a man they called 'Kierkegaard', who just sat there biting the heads of whippets and Dinsdale says 'I hear you've been a naughty boy Clement' and he splits me nostrils open and saws me leg off and pulls me liver out and I tell him my name's not Clement and then... he loses his temper and nails me head to the floor..."

**********

"If u hold back anything Ill kill ya. If u bend the truth or I think your bending the truth, Ill kill ya. If u forget anything Ill kill ya. In fact ur gonna have to work very hard to stay alive. Now do u understand everything Ive said? Because if u dont, Ill kill ya...."

**********

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. "

**********

The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.

**********

Love comes when manipulation stops. When you think more about the other person than about his or her reaction to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

You are a Winner!

4Comments:

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